I don't find life very stimulating or rewarding. I don't want to exist nor do I have the energy to.

I know I'm only 21 and life is just starting for me, but I feel extremely alone in like general? It doesn't really matter if I have friends or a partner I just feel like no one can understand me and my experiences in life. I feel like everyone is pretending to understand you, relate to you or feel bad for you. but no one really cares about you actually..at least that's how I feel. The only thing I'm holding on for now is to see the last episode of TADC, see what interesting things come with Tomodachi life living the dream and then possibly attempting on my birthday. I just wish I lived alone so I could consistently attempt suicide without being interrupted or stopped. Everyday I tell myself to die, and no I'm not exaggerating it I have uncontrollable blurts of me telling myself to die. Over and Over, even as I'm typing this it's happened. I don't know why I don't just run away from everything, I'm not obligated to stay here. It's my life and I can do what I want, but I just can't attempt rn given my circumstances. So I just passively hope one day I'll get hit by a car, maybe accidentally shot in the head.. fall from a large height or maybe get hit by a train.