Really, really lost

This year is supposed to be my entrance into adulthood. I regularly attend therapy and sometimes even feel content with myself so much that I try to get off my antidepressants (not in an manic way, after a thorough discussion with my psychiatrist). Despite being very lonely after going to homeschool in my 3rd year of highschool (not due to bullying or anything, I was just a very ambitious kid), I'm still kind of... thankful to exist, to be able to eat, to be able to see how pretty the nature is, to be able to go on a walk with my dog, even if our society has a lot of obvious problems. Every single therapist I go to keeps saying that they are impressed by my intelligence. But I know they're just saying that. I know I supposedly qualify as a "genius" and fuck that by the way, I even feel like a piece of shit for bringing that up here. I'm just so, so stupid. I don't know how to live properly. I'm failing all of my exams because of being a lazy neet for the last 2 years. They suspect I have autism, then borderline, then narcissism, then adhd... but the truth is, I'm being eaten alive by envy all the time. Envy for people actually born the gender they are, people of higher class and social status than me, people whose step-father isn't a psychotic far-right catholic, people who have experienced a moderately normal childhood with friends and all. My gender dysphoria is getting more and more unbearable with each returning depressive episode. It will probably be the thing that's going to finally push me over the edge. Everything just hurts, I feel like I have a giant gaping shotgun hole at the center of my ribcage. I feel like I'm slipping with each new step I take to have a "normal", trans-repressed, brave, beautiful fucking life. Because even if I started transitioning, I would look like fucking Shrek or Ryuk if you've watched Death Note. Because I just can't look at any display of feminity anymore without feeling like I'm bleeding out out of envy in a bathtub. And I know my pain is nothing compared to most of you folks here, it's just the fact how weak I am. Thanks for reading if you've reached this far, sorry for my english, I'm not a native.