What is a home? What is belonging? What is safety? What is connection?

These feelings are supposedly integral parts of being a human being-and I just seem to totally lack the ability to feel them or don't get to experience them. All the people I connected with were toxic. There was no connection. I was toxic. I was stuck in trauma patterns. I feel so alone. I feel so sunken and depressed. Victory in anyway feels so pointless because all it does is prolong a life that seemingly has no meaning or purpose-and I can't seem to fulfill my dreams, I can't get to the cinemas on time and struggle because I'm disabled. I can barely afford to do any of my hobbies because I'm on a pittance of a pension-which will be taken away from me if I try in anyway to improve my living situation. I barely remember what I watch. I barely function. I'm just depressed and BEYOND lonely-like there's this gut wrenching "emptiness" inside of me. Just a hollow void where a "soul" or something of that nature would be. I feel genuinely subhuman.

The craziest part is-this isn't even shame talking, typically my shame comes in the form of an aggressive angry voice (much like how my parents & peers & other adults spoke to me) but these feel more so like my genuine true feelings and my genuine true feelings about myself and my experience. I want to go to things and have a life but that seems like...blocked off-and then I can't really seem to connect with people because I'm walled off without even realising it.

I know I'm so much more than my trauma but sadly so much of it is genuinely defining every single aspect of my day to day life. I don't feel connected to anything or anyone anymore. I just feel free floating. Just drifting along. It's like i'm yearning for something meaningful, more than just connection to others more than just connection to self like... something true? something real? Enjoyment? IDK. I'm yearning I've never even experienced "normal". IDK. Just gief. Sorrow. Sadness. Immense anguish.