I’ve been deeply depressed and suicidal since late November. I’ve tried therapy, I got committed to a psych ward a few months ago, I’ve tried to stop cutting myself, I’ve tried to get new coping mechanisms. I’ve tried to plan my future but even something as simple as imagining where I’ll be within the next few months seems impossible. 

These days, it seems like I can barely get out of bed. This might seem irrelevant I guess but I was just thinking that I haven’t hugged anyone in over a month. I’m so fucking lonely. I have two friends and I’ve convinced myself that they’re just here because of routine. I tell them about how I feel but I always write it off as a joke, we laugh, and then things go back to normal. My girlfriend cheated on me, we broke up, but we still talk like things are normal. She’s the only person in a relationship that I’ve unconditionally loved. I live with my mom and whenever I’m already at my absolute breaking point, she knows just how to make me feel even more worthless. If I want to be left alone, she tells me I’m an unpleasant person to be around. Maybe that’s true. I’m closer than I’ve ever been before to ending it all. If I talk about how I feel with my therapist, then I’ll probably get sent back to the psych ward where I got sexually assaulted and no one did anything. The staff was terrible and talked shit about patients like high school girls. I hate being in therapy. I know my therapist probably gossips about me just like those psych ward nurses. I’ve tried to get on the suicide hotline and all they tell me is “Things will get better! There’s no need to die when you’re so young!” But to be honest, I can’t really understand how rotting away in a nursing home someday is any better than just getting things over with. 

I don’t know why I’m typing all of this, I want to kill myself but I also want to try to give things another chance.

How do you talk yourself out of committing?