Every year, my boyfriend [21M] and I [22F] go on a “break” because he doesn’t know what he wants

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/iamastarsfish

Every year, my boyfriend [21M] and I [22F] go on a “break” because he doesn’t know what he wants

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<

Original Post March 30, 2018

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. We’ve always been great together and there’s no one else in the world I’d rather be with. We make each other laugh, we like the same things, we have our own hobbies so we don’t drive each other crazy, and we’ve been through so much as a couple.

I am in graduate school a state away from him, about a 4 hour drive. We went into long distance fairly easily, so it blindsided me when he suddenly told me he didn’t know if our relationship is what he wants.

He’s always struggled with a fear of commitment, something I’ve tried to support him through by trying not to pressure him into moving forward. The problem is that every year for the last 3 years, he’s gone through a struggle with wanting to be with me. He wants to take a break from our relationship and be separate for a while, which I’ve agreed to the last 2 years. Every year so far he’s come back to me saying he was being stupid and that he regrets ever being on a break. We talk things through and move forward.

I thought after last year we’d be done with it, but today he gave me the same speech he’s always given about wanting a break and wanting space. I put us on the break this time because I didn’t want to beg him to stay with me.

I’m blindsided by this whole thing, and I’m so confused about where it comes from. We’re so great for 90% of the year, and then the end of March comes around and he freaks out and wants to break up with me. He says he loves me and always will, but doesn’t know what he wants. If he comes back again, do I take him back? I don’t know what to do.

TL:DR: my boyfriend wants to go on a break every year around this time. I don’t know if I should take him back this year.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Always the same timing?

He's up to something. Some trip, event, regular visit home by his ex, something he's not admitting.

Anyway, this whole set up is bs.

You've been together since you are kids. You have changed, grown, and IMHO probably grown apart. Most teen relationships time out when you go to college; this one has lasted longer than most, but still is (again IMHO) overdue to end anyway

And on/off/on relationships never end well

OOP

This time of year is when he gets really busy and overwhelmed with school. I attribute the timing to that. I don’t suspect anything else is going on behind my back. He’s a really good person and not at all the type to be sneaky.

I told him not to contact me unless he’s willing to fight for me this time. I just would feel really stupid if I had wasted 5 years.

Update July 6, 2018 (3 months later)

It’s been about 4 months since my first post and I thought I’d post an update.

Looking back on this post, I can’t believe what a difference 4 months has made. After posting it, I read my own words and realized that the relationship was over. I was making excuses for him and justifying staying miserable in the relationship because I just loved him so much.

We had a talk when I visited my hometown and broke up. We both were emotional but knew it was for the best, and I was content thinking we were going to spend time being single and discovering who we are as individuals after being so close for so long.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I found out he had been cheating for at least a couple months before telling me he wanted another break. He began officially dating the new girl about 3 days after we broke up and he moved in with her after a couple months of dating. He has always been super resistant to commitments before, so that came as a shock. My self esteem took a huge hit.

Now things are different. I discover new things about myself every day, I spend time with my friends who make me feel loved and important, and I’m truly happy for the first time in a long time. At first I wanted to start dating again and I told myself I was ready, but the truth is that there’s so much I don’t know about myself yet, and I want to get to know me before I focus on another relationship.

Anyway, thank you to the people who commented and let me know that something was going on. As obvious as it was to them, I was completely blindsided. I’m just grateful to be out of that situation and I’m excited for what’s ahead.

Tl;dr : we broke up, he was cheating, I’m much better now

FINAL COMMENTS

floomsy

Awesome that you’re putting yourself first and moving on happily.

I’m sorry he was cheating. That’s tough.

OOP

I’m telling myself it was something that had to happen for me to finally have a reason to get over him :)

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