My boyfriend [M34] keeps lying about his addiction

I [F31] found out my boyfriend had a porn addiction 7 months into our relationship, and now we've been together 3 and a half years, and he still keeps lying to me about this. And I'm starting to get so tired of him and this relationship, and I need advice.

In the beginning, we stopped having sex and being intimate as much, and he kept telling me it was because he was stressed. Then, after a while, I saw his phone and realized he kept watching a lot of porn on Reddit, especially petite asian porn. And it really broke me because I don't look like that. I brought it up gently in the beginning, trying to understand what was going on with him - I told him how it was affecting me, my self-esteem, confidence, and body image. I cried, and told him it was making my bulimic tendencies worse. And as much as he comforted me, he just kept watching it and doing it anyway.

I felt really helpless and constantly on edge. I could barely leave the house, something caused I feared the moment I left, he's go to the bathroom and start using porn again. I tried so many things to spice up our sex life, spent a stupid amount of money on lingerie, planned romantic dinners trying to fix our intimacy. But everytime I made a move at that point he would turn me down, or move away from me if I touched him intimately and say he's stressed. But then I'd check his phone and see all the porn he watched anyway.

One year plus into our relationship, I couldn't take it anymore, and saw his constantly looking up this girl on instagram who was like an instagram model (I was away in another country, and when I came back and saw his phone I saw that he looked her up on not only instagram but even looked for her fb and tiktok when I was gone) and confronted him about it. I cried and told him I'm just not comfortable with him looking at her insta and wanted him to unfollow. He comforted me and unfollowed her instantly. Then the couple days after, I saw her name searched up on his phone. I got mad and confronted him, he was apologetic and sorry and said he wouldn't do that again. Then another couple of days later, I checked again and althought she wasn't searched up, I could see her stories were viewed which means he was still watching (all of this while still watching the regular porn on Reddit). At that point I lost all my patience.

We got into a huge fight. At first he tried to make it sound like I was crazy for even checking that much but I couldn't understand how it wasn't crazy that he was going behind my back to do something I explicitely said I was uncomfortable with. My entire self confidence and body image just deteriorating the whole time.

We kept fighting about it, even tried a bit of therapy. Later on he moved overseas to study, told me he stopped using it. I visited him a couple months later and saw that he lied. I confronted him about it and asked him to his face and he said no he wasn't using it anymore. That he's really learnt his lesson and never wanted to let this get in between our relationship. And I told him I knew he was lying because I saw his phone. We had another huge fight and I wanted to fly back home immediately. He apologised again, told me he wouldn't lie anymore. I said my condition is that he goes to therapy in the next month after I fly back home.

The next month came, he didn't go to therapy. I kept following up about when he would go, and he just kept delaying. And we kept fighting about it non-stop; the fights just got worse. And in the end he told me he would not be able to go to therapy or solve this issue until he was done with this studies which was another 9 months later.

I just constantly broke down that entire 9 months; I felt horrible and devastated about everything. And just do betrayed. I had a horrible mental breakdown in that period, was hospitalized for anxiety and later on diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Slowly, my friends and family helped me through that period.

I found out later that I had the opportunity to go to the same country and study as well. Which meant that when he was done, I would go there to study. We would have a short overlap of 4 months to live together again and rebuild the relationship. I told him, I did not want to be in the same position I was in. I didn't was to be lied to again. If he was watching it I wanted him to be honest, and work through it in therapy. He said he would and was committed to fixing our relationship.

In the four months we were together in the new country, I caught him watching porn again, the same petite asian nonsense. We got into a huge fight. I stormed out and left the room at 3am. I was so lost. He said he wouldn't lie to me again.

Now he has left and went back home, while I'm in the new country studying. I caught him lying again. I asked him to share screen and saw his history has one entry of porn use. We got into another fight and are in couples therapy now.

But honestly, I think I'm just so done. Everytime we fight now, he gets defensive, makes me feel like I'm causing him stress by getting angry (because my anger now is so volatile and aggressive) I told him because it's years of me dealing with this. But he doesn't seem to understand.

I know we're going to therapy and honestly outside of this porn issue he's been a good partner in almost every other day. But I just feel so lost, like a shell of a person. I don't recognise myself anytime I'm around him anymore; I'm just filled with anxiety and sadness and anger. I'm just trying to keep the peace, but I can just feel how broken my heart is on the inside. I am so tired of being lied to. I am so tired of being take for granted. And I am so tired of feeling not enough for my partner. I know that most of my heart is not in this relationship anymore anytime I think about how much hurt and betrayal he has cost me. But a small part of me is still here.

I just feel so lost and don't know what to do. I feel so stupid for always betting on him, thinking he would change. And now I just feel like a fool - empty inside. If everything else in our relationship is still okay, why do I feel this horrible and empty when it comes to this porn and intimacy issues? When I talk to him, or wanted to end things in the past, he tells me that I'm just giving up on our relationship? But I feel like I've been fighting for it for so long and now I just hate myself. I hate so many parts of me, how I look, the shape of my body, I constantly think about plastic surgery or comestic treatments thinking I can "fix" myself. I started vaping and drinking excessive coffee to curb my appetite so I can be slimmer.

I don't know anymore. Am I crazy? Am i really not trying hard for this relationship or is this just not the right relationship? I just don't want to be lied to anymore..

This is the first time I'm writing it all out like this; and honestly remembering all this feels like a knife to my heart again.