im a useless sack of shit

hello im 17 born female

honestly idk why the fuck i was even put in this stupid world, i could have gone on with a better fucking life, yet here i am. getting verbally abused and berated on by my family. its enough that i get looked down on by my fucking peers and all the shit i went through when i was a kid. and honestly, the way i handle my despair is just fucking appalling because i can admit that i have never felt a romantic connection with anybody because of the voices in my stupid fucking head, and honestly, im starting to letting both my mind and body rot.

ntm, the way i let older men take advantage of my vulnerability too, just makes me feel more of a fucking piece of shit. they would say things that would calm down whatever fucking bitch ass voice in my head. does this make me a fucking asshole for only ever taking a sliver of compassion? i don't sleep or start anything with them, but i just cannot make out the fact that i could ever be loved, so i lean on older guys who actually make me feel something