Made myself look guilty

I 39F have been with my partner 39M for 7 years.l love him dearly and truly want us to work, making this a lifetime relationship. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. truly.

However the relationship has been tough with communication and resolving arguments. I'm currently in therapy to work though issues I know contribute to the relationship so that we can be better. I'm trying so hard to grow.

I've always lived by being super loyal in a relationship I've never cheated and I have removed 3 good male friends from my life to make him feel more comfortable. Im not a party gal, 99% of the time I'm home, cooking nice food and chilling. so situations of cheating never arises. he's told me that he's never felt as safe as he does with me. however, he's done some questionable things in the past. examples include sleeping at his ex's house (whim he has children with) going on holiday with her without letting me know prior. never posting about me on his social media platform. I don't exist there. in all these times I've communicated my doubt, listened and trusted his word and it's been resolved. I've never held any of these things against him, I've never brought them back up.

Now onto me! A long childhood friend M38 reached out (we did have sex over 10 years ago but nothing happens since, it was a stupid one time thing that both know meant nothing), the conversation we had was completely platonic, we were talking about his family, mine, jobs, holidays, retirement. there was zero flirting, zero intent of anything untoward. I was just generally catching up on his life. There were no blurred lines. I deleted the conversation because I didn't want any issues to arise. even tho it was purely innocent. my mistake number one.

However, yesterday he asked me if me and my partner wanted children, we spoke about that and he said "we should have kids" I responded with haha. now in hindsight even tho I know it was a joke, I should have shut it down straight away. the conversation stopped there. we didn't communicate after that. I completely see my mistake of not shutting that comment down. I was wrong. and I feel terrible for it. my partner asked to see my phone and I just completely panicked and deleted that message.

I know this makes me look completely suspicious and like I have something to hide. I told him everything I gave him my phone, he searched through everything, months of conversations with everyone. my social media and he found nothing because other than this stupid conversation I've not spoke to another man since getting with my partner. I gave him the friends number and he rang him and had a conversation with him. my friend relayed the kid comment was a joke. I tried to do a WhatsApp reset to get all the messages back to prove that I have said nothing untoward. I even messaged the friend to send screenshots of the whole conversation. however the lack of evidence and my stupid panic reaction now suggests ive cheated. And I can't bare it. I know I was wrong to even chat to him and not shut that comment down immediately.

he's asked for space, which I respect. I've tried reassuring him hundered of times, I've been as transparent as can be but nothing is landing with him right now. I'm really struggling with the pain I've caused him and the way I stupidly handled the situation. I'm just questioning why i handled it so badly, historically he handles conflict aggressively and he'll question me over and over and over until it breaks me. No answer I give are ever good enomugh for him in all conflicts, he never allows resolution or for me to fix things.eveey conflict even miner gets drawn out for weeks. And i massively panicked in that moment and made a STUPID mistake that I fully regret.

can we come back from this ?