July 8th, 90 something days from now I’m having surgery to feminize my face. I’ve had two gender affirming surgeries already and yet this one is the one that I’m most nervous about. It’s my face. In a very real way my self image and dysphoria are at the fore when I see myself in a mirror. I’m afraid that the results will leave me looking like a caricature of myself while simultaneously afraid that I won’t look feminine enough.  

Self image is a b$tch. Along these lines 

I realized I’m slowly turning my bedroom into a cyberpunk / steampunk mashup version of a bedroom. The bright pink hair and my tendency towards fitted ultra feminine outfits, not to mention a voracious appetite for pulp science fiction, explains the cyberpunk lean. The steampunk is because of the obvious antique furniture and period wallpaper that my bedroom is full of.  

I’m okay with this. 

I’m enjoying myself. It hurts no one and in small way I am fulfilling my lifelong dream to see the future. I am making it; living it.  And it gives me an illusion of control, a way to navigate the insane world around me.

Photos today from my usual spot at the Gatehouse. Sunday mornings have become me time at the Gatehouse coffee shop. One of the things I love about this time is that it’s just for me, not for work, not for family.  I’m here as me, for me.  I use the time to write, to take selfies 🥰 and to read science fiction obviously.  It’s all part of being kind to myself as I head towards my date with surgery. 

	⁃	kay

Getting FFS in July