spoiler warning for rebirth and remake!!

 i also posted this in the remake sub, but i posted a clerith doodle a week or so ago when I was half way through and wanted to share my thoughts! (+another goofy doodle) especially because lots of them have to do with cloud and aerith. if this isnt allowed ill remove no problem! 

This post is about ff7 rebirth, and specifically the last few chapters. Essentially a cleaned up brain dump as it relates to my view of human emotions/experiences. just wanted to get it out of my brain. I don't know everything about the series, so some of this will be personal interpretation, feel free to correct me. 

AND….. Before anyone makes fun of me for maybe caring a little too much about a game.... I'm a big crybaby. I cry at anything emotional. Because of that, I don't typically watch, read or play things that have heavy emotions anymore even though they can be deeply moving for me, because my fragile little heart can't handle it. Haha. So, for this game to actually make me want to feel those sappy sad emotions– wowie it was a ride. 

\\------- 

Over the past month, I've essentially binged remake,rebirth,watched AC + a playthrough of dirge, began both of the novels and plan on playing crisis core/reunion and the og eventually.

It's rare a story/world grips my attention so adamantly. Admittedly, I probably should have taken a bit more time to process it all, as I have already forgotten parts of the remake, so I plan to replay it lol.  Usually, even if I enjoy a piece of media, it's hard for me to sit down and consume it with my full attention.

I went into the game(remake) completely blind. I was feeling creatively burnt out and felt I needed to refill my gauge. I didn't even know what it was about. At first, I thought cloud was just another typical anime protagonist type with a huge ego. I was wrong. 

Though, after remake i admit i got antsy and wanted to interact with the fandom. Zack's death/reality travel, a vague understanding of Cloud taking on aspects of Zack's personality and memories, and Aerith's death were spoiled for me. Despite this, it didn't make any of these things feel less impactful.

In fact, knowing what was to come in the last chapter of rebirth, made me walk a little slower, and made me give aerith a bit more of my attention. Even the screen recorded the last battles with her, though I already loved her to death(and after, lol) as it is.  The last chapter for me was utterly heart shattering. I didn't want it to end. I don't even know how to put that feeling into words, I am familiar with real life grief, and the feeling that the last chapter portrayed was a wonderful goodbye for Aerith, an amazing job at making us feel some semblance of what Cloud is feeling. Dread. Grief. Denial. Love. Longing. Fear.  It felt so very similar to the grief I've experienced in real life. I completed the game(rebirth) mid day yesterday as of writing this, and the next day I woke up thinking about that goodbye, and I teared up more than a bit. 

The denial in cloud, (even though i doubt he is JUST hallucinating aerith as other factors such as the sky, and red feeling her presence to)  I feel like is such a good representation of being in denial of saying goodbye to loved ones, or even just a hard goodbye in general. The smile cloud had when he saw Aerith sitting next to him in the cavern, was heart breaking, and a bit eerie. Even though it was only for a split second, I could feel all the pain, conflict, and love in his face. The “are you going to get back okay?” as he boards the plane, as a painful callback to remake. Ouch ouch ouch. 

It is clear to me that cloud is very mentally unwell at the end of rebirth. Mako, jenova cells, making it so he is losing grip on parts of reality, and with the end of rebirth maybe entire realities. It makes my chest legitimately tighten at him losing his grip. I feel as if his friends feel the same way, as you can see tifa, and barret struggling with internal conflict on what to say to cloud when boarding the plane at the end scene. Whether to acknowledge his faltering grip on what is real, or let him be. 

I love him as a protagonist, truly. He feels human. Well. I mean, I by no means have a scary face stealing lady's genes in my body that makes me forget things and mix up my memories with my friend (or whatever the full story is there, i still have some work to do catching up on the whole jenova cells thing.) lol. But, his feelings, his fears, feel real. And they feel raw. And they feel like fears real people have who may be struggling. He's so ill, but he is doing the best he can. Or at least what he thinks is right.even when what he thinks is right might be wrong. Even through his identity struggles, even through his confusion with losing his memories,remembering things that he knows aren't his own thoughts. Keeping these struggles to himself from the shame he feels about them. All the fear he feels about his degrading mental state. But many times, even though its clear to those around him, harboring those thoughts in his own mind. 

Playing cloud in chapter 13 is very unnerving. The parts of himself being controlled by sephiroth without him realizing, his coldness towards the ones he cares about causing clear discomfort in the group. Discomfort in me the player. He actually, as much as I love his character, and his development, made me angry. I did not like him at all in this chapter. His (seeming) selfishness, snatching the black materia before they left the temple. Especially Aerith when she gave him the black materia,and her words not reaching him, but as soon as the materia leaves his hands he snaps out of it.runs after her, to save her from the danger he (albeit being brainwashed by sephiroth) put her in. The fact that even after Aerith's death, after what it caused, he puts the black materia into his buster sword without a second thought, and without telling his teammates,and saying “reunion”.   makes me wonder what the future holds.

I saw many people repeat this point, but he isn't “meant to be a hero”. He's shy. Introverted. He is ashamed that he couldn't make soldier. He is too ashamed to speak to tifa when he visits. Even when he misunderstands his identity these traits are still prominent. He's pessimistic and hard on himself. Aside from all the other experimental stuff he's riddled with trauma that also contributes to his deteriorating mental state. And just had another huge traumatic event already he has to process in his already fragile state. 

 Zack (no hate to Zack, I love him.) Is by most definitions the typical anime hero protagonist. He believes in himself, motivates others, and can talk to pretty much anyone. Even though he's been through experimentation and loss as well he remains positive and there for his friends. But, thats not always realistic. He is what clouds real self  ‘wants to be”. 

 Cloud was thrusted into the position of hero with only some stolen memories and a heap of anxiety, self doubt, confusion, and sephiroth using him as a vessel. 

I don't know how to end this, I am sure I'll remember something else I wanted to add to this after I post it. lol but Since ive finished the game i dont think ive gone an hour without thinking about it. I haven't been this invested in a series since high school. Like I said in my intro, my scope of games is smaller than most, so I'm not saying it's the best game ever. But it most definitely has become my favorite, and I look forward to what direction they go with the next game. Thanks for reading my brain dump, and id love to hear any thoughts if anyone would like to add anything.

I just finished rebirth. The last few chapters, grief, denial, and coping.