I Can't Eat and I'm Scared

55mg methylphenidate hydrochloride (Xaggatin XL). Jumped up from 18mg to 36mg, now at the 55mg for 11 days.

My life has turned around almost overnight in terms of productivity and happiness but these benefits have curtailed as time has gone on. I seem to be in a severe calorie deficit because my primary side effects are no appetite and an extreme aversion to food.

The symptoms of malnutrition seem to be overwriting the positives of my medication. I don't feel like I can use my new, improved EF and skills because I feel exhausted, depressed, angry, cloud and in physical pain.

Some days are brilliant, that is, when I seem to crack the code. No issues, just flying through the day. Happy and stimulated. On the other hand, I was sent home early from work today. I felt as if I could have slept on the floor. There was virtually no light behind my eyes.

I've tried what feels like everything. Changing when I take my meds. Protein shakes/liquid foods. Snacks always on hand. Upping protein. Small meals at regular times. Always, breakfast. I've even quit nicotine AND caffeine to promote my appetite. It's gotten better, but, somehow, this isn't enough.

I have no idea what to do. I can't bear to start this process again. I can't face the thought of being my unmedicated self.