Need Perspective

I am currently in midst of feeling some large amounts of anxiety so please bear with me. I have posted here before and am processing things and I appreciate the discourse.

I think I'm just really stuck on trying to separate the fear and anxiety from relationship dynamic desire. We opened our previously monogamous relationship a few years ago. My NP has recently found someone she fancies, and has been enjoying getting to know them and I'll have episodes where my system feels like it's on red alert. Times like now, I really struggle to not ascribe a meaning to that emotion (oh, im this activated? Surely ENM isn't right for me and therefore we must break up). Which that line of thinking alone is a ton of pressure and risk for my system to navigate. Of course my brain is going to find that anxiety inducing! My brain knows it and my body feels miles behind.

One of the things I get stuck on when I am activated, like now, is that last year was a slow year for us dating. I had a few casual experiences I enjoyed, and my partner was pretty focused on her life and was more or less saturated with me. That period of life was obviously more peaceful because there was no "threat". And in these moments now, I have a hard time not looking back and saying "See that peace when you didn't have to work through anxiety and attachment activations, that's what you really want! Not this!". I struggled with monogamy too. I had similar activations and anxiety spirals before we even thought about opening up. So I know anxiety is something that is intrinsic to me. I've been working through some of Lola Phoenix's work and it's been helpful intellectually, and maybe i just need to accept that right now, this moment, just sucks. I am not making any decisions in this moment, but fuck does my brain really want to do all it can to eliminate this perceived pain and threat.

It makes it hard to stay with my anchor. I am interested in ENM because I like the idea of being open to connections, having different experiences, and have frequently felt like monogamy wasn't enough. I forget that monogamy was hard, just as this. My career also can benefit ENM as I travel half the month for work. So there is already a level of disentanglement between us and my partner can see her lover when I'm working so when I'm home, our time can be prioritized.

Maybe I just want someone to tell me what I am feeling is normal, that it takes time. I am in therapy and that has definitely helped me personally, but times like now just feel like a lot, and in a way that feels demoralizing. My system is on high alert for any sign that tells me I am not fit for this, because I know my system would have catastrophic certainty, then uncertainty. My system wants resolution on this now, when I can't give it that and in the meantime it feels so big.

When things dont feel so big, and I'm more regulated, I feel obviously much more at peace. I feel more excited about my own experiences, more neutral and supportive of my partner's, and more equipped. it's just when I get smacked in the face with the anxiety, I can't see the forest through the trees anymore