Venting some nonsense, no need to read.

Emotions are so weird, and so is the very concept of “value” itself. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t see any worth in myself anymore, and because I’ve isolated myself and stopped expressing who I am, knowing I’ll never be able to function socially like a normal human being.

That led me to become numb, glued to my bed for years. Just questioning the meaning of love and human relationships. I went too deep into questioning the idea of “value”, the idea of "worth", until this very concept itself has lost its own value.

I don't know if I'm making sense, even if there’s still a part of me that craves love and validation, even if it still longs for happiness, I just can’t seem to value human relationships like I used to, is it the fear of being hurt? Idk. But it all feels pointless now.

Now nothing really matters to me except the fear of physical pain, because it’s the only thing your brain values without any interference from you, it’s in your instincts to run from pain. And that’s the only reason I’m still alive, because I don’t know if what awaits me after death is a better place or an even more painful one.

I don’t consider myself a good person, but if it were up to me, I’d wish pain never existed at all. I wouldn’t wish suffering on any form of life, I even overthink a lot when killing an insect. Maybe I'm just too soft, I don’t know how other people are able to ignore the messed up state of the world and just be happy, it’s so hard for me. I want to reject the reality of the world, I want to reject my own existence. What did I do wrong to deserve living in so much pain?

I don't know....I just want to disappear.

I don’t understand myself anymore.