I [27f] got engaged with bf [27m] and scared

Long post ahead - I’m getting married in 8 months, but I’m starting to feel like I’m raising my fiancé instead of building a life with him

I (27F) have been “semi-engaged,” if that’s even a thing, to my boyfriend (27M) for about a year now. There was no formal proposal or “will you marry me” moment — we just started seriously talking about marriage around the same time we started living together.

Since then, we’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and now that the wedding is 8 months away, I’m honestly scared.

At the beginning of us living together, he lost his job. He got a decent final pay, and that kept us afloat for around 9 months. He doesn’t financially support his family, so it was just the two of us and our 5 cats.

The problem is, for the first few months after losing his job, I had to keep pushing him to actually look for work. He only started taking it seriously when his money was almost gone and I had to start paying the bills. That was incredibly stressful for me because I’m also a breadwinner for my family. I give almost half of my salary to help support my siblings who are in college, and I share that responsibility with my brother.

Eventually, he did get a job, but he was basically unemployed for almost a year. That whole experience really affected how I see him. I told him how hard that was for me, especially because this happened while we were already talking about marriage.

Another big issue is that I feel like I carry almost all of the mental load and household responsibilities.

The reason I moved in with him is because his family no longer permanently stays in their main house, and he was the only one left there. He doesn’t really know how to cook or clean, so I ended up doing almost everything. I cook, clean, plan things, remind him of things, and manage the house. Looking back, I honestly feel like I made myself into a servant because I was too in love to notice how uneven everything was.

We’ve also had serious disagreements when it comes to faith and beliefs.

I’m a born-again Christian, and I invite him to church with me and my family every Sunday. I know living together before marriage goes against my beliefs, and I’ve wrestled with that a lot. I told him that too. I guess part of me thought that if we were planning to get married anyway, it would somehow “make it right” eventually.

But even church has been hard. Sometimes he doesn’t want to go, and sometimes he challenges my beliefs in ways that leave me feeling unsupported or spiritually disconnected from him.

Then there’s the issue with his family.

Even though they don’t permanently live in the house anymore, they still stay there from time to time — sometimes for a few days, sometimes up to a week. There was even a time his mom stayed for a whole month while something in the house was being fixed.

That part alone wasn’t the problem. What really got to me was when she started complaining about the house being untidy.

I do clean the house, but I also work full-time from home. There are days when I can only clean after work, and there are days when I’m just too exhausted or mentally drained to do everything. Instead of calmly talking about it, she would loudly complain and yell in a way that made sure I would hear it, even while I was in my room working.

My boyfriend told me he defended me, but I didn’t hear it, and honestly, it still hurt that I was put in that position in the first place.

The thing that really pushed me to my limit happened recently.

I was staying at my family’s house for the weekend, and I told him we were going to church for the last service at 7:30 PM. I told him to leave the house by 6:45 PM. Yes, I know — I literally have to plan everything for him.

My family and I got to church around 7:15 PM. We couldn’t wait outside for him because the sanctuary fills up fast, and if you’re late, you have to sit in another room and watch the service through a live broadcast. We wanted to sit inside the actual sanctuary, so we went in and saved him a seat in our usual area.

I messaged him multiple times and called him several times, but he didn’t answer. About 30 minutes later, the sanctuary was already full, and they had started directing people to the overflow room. I borrowed my sister’s phone and called him, and that’s when he finally answered.

He told me he had been waiting in the lobby for me for an hour.

I was shocked and frustrated because why would he just wait there and not go inside? I told him I had messaged and called him so many times and that he should just come in. We were both angry. Then he dropped the call.

That’s when I realized I forgot to tell him exactly where to find me, so I called him again and went outside to the lobby — but he was already gone. He said he was going home.

I completely lost it.

That night, I walked back home crying.

And that’s when it really hit me: he wasn’t going to church because he genuinely wanted to. He was going because I told him to. Just like so many other things in our life, I am the one who has to plan, initiate, remind, manage, and carry everything.

Even small things — like ordering his lunch when I’m away — somehow become my responsibility.

I used to think I was doing all of this out of love. But now it just feels like I’m living with a child.

I’m torn between trying to fix this and walking away.

I’m scared that if I stay, this will be my whole life: carrying everything, planning everything, emotionally parenting my partner, and never having someone I can truly depend on.

To be fair, he is calm. He doesn’t yell at me, and he has never hurt me physically. He has a good-paying job now, a car, and the house is technically in his name.

But there’s this growing resentment in me that I can’t ignore anymore. Something in me is slowly starting to hate him, and I hate even admitting that.

My family and friends like him. Part of me even wonders if maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I’m too controlling. Maybe I expect too much. I haven’t really told anyone what’s been going on because I don’t want people to think badly of him, and honestly, I’m ashamed and confused.

We’re getting married in 8 months.