I Gave It Some Thought

I am writing this at 6 in the morning after pulling an all nighter. My son had another painful episode at 1 am and I had to call an ambulance. He's here finally sleeping and I'm a little foggy right now.

I've turned it over in my mind and I think it was just another coincidence, although a terrible one, paired with a repetitive pattern that happened to trigger a "special" childhood memory for me. I know you did not intentionally do that. Because I saw you. I stood across the room and behind you in the Egyptian exhibit and observed your interaction with those children. I had to leave afterward because it made my eyes sting. If an early male figure in my life had ever shown me that kind of gentleness and genuine regard..maybe I would have turned out very different. I've never felt the kind of love that I had for you in that moment, not even with my late husband. I loved you before..but this was a whole different level. It was so pure and it's stayed with me.

Because I was made aware by my father that real monsters lived under my bed when I was pre-school age. He controlled me with them and I cowered for a while.. until I took up a sword at five and started swinging at them/him. Then they/he was gone..and another took their place, worse in every way. I never had a chance to put the sword down and rest. I just kept fighting and swinging and vanquishing monsters alone..forever. Ray Lamontagne sang it best:

" There's a lot of things I don't understand
But so many people lie,
It's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me."

I observed for a moment a place where monsters don't exist because YOU would be there. I saw and you are NOT the ones who hurt you. I watched that vicariously and I know it wasn't meant for me. You were not even aware of a lifeline you threw that I/she needed. I'm afraid you'll try to take it back like I'm the Artful Dodger. I can't apologize for who I am. I can count on one hand the people who accept me unconditionally and so I really can't afford to be my enemy. But I am sorry that I made you push me away. The sword fighting is kind of a habit. I do accept that there's a good possibility you want no part of this. And to that I say thank you for helping me even ponder the notion of laying it down. I don't believe it would have happened without meeting you. And I will gladly take away what you've given me as a lesson in personal growth and move on.

But know that I love what you showed me. Love.You. I don't need a daddy. I forgave and reconciled with him before he passed. I love you like a man who has showed me there are other possibilities besides the way things were. Like a man who can pick up a weapon I've dropped and bury it instead of cutting me open, understanding where it came from and why I held onto it . Like a man that allows me the choice to one day worship my King as we go to church on his royal throne and call out to Jesus.

10 am and that's all I got. Going to sleep.