Btw I’m sorry in advance if this seems all over the place. I’m still on heavy meds from my procedure. 

Anyways I (24F) have been with my fiance Peter for 7 years. His sister Sally (30F) and her husband Dylan (30M) have been together for three years. I can’t unsee this pattern where everything revolves around Sally and everyone else is expected to accommodate it. It was extremely bad on a recent trip to Seattle. 

For context, I have a rare connective tissue disorder that affects my whole body. I have about 75% lung capacity, and I recently had open heart surgery where my entire aorta was replaced and my sternum reconstructed.

The Seattle trip was supposed to be fun. I even brought my cousin so we could all hang out. Still, I was nervous because every time we visit Sally, everything is on her terms. We only ever visit her state, she never comes to ours. For example, if we are shopping as a group, she will ask at least 5 times “Are you guys ready to go? Are you ready yet?” Meanwhile we are clearly not ready yet. I was nervous about this happening, but also I expected it. And it did happen. 

I’m an adult now and I told myself I wouldn’t be afraid to set boundaries this time. 

Anyway, the first day we arrived, we had all been traveling since 5 AM. Around 8:30 PM, while the four of us were having fun at an arcade, Sally suddenly sent a text to her mom, demanding “everyone needed to be home, showered, and quiet by 9 PM” so her self diagnosed insomnia wouldn’t get messed up. 

This confused me because although she opted out of the arcade and dinner, we planned to meet up with her and her husband at a late night tea house afterwards. So what changed? I believe that she was stewing in FOMO the whole time we were out without them which prompted her controlling text message. 

What’s really sad is that Peter was enjoying spending time with their mom, Susan, before the text. 

I said to Susan, “Well that’s impossible for all four of us to do. That’s unrealistic.” 

Susan immediately said, “Well I don’t have to shower! We can make it work.”

I said something like, “I don’t really want to do that. I wish she had said something sooner.”

Then Susan said, “Well it’s my fault for not considering her accommodations.” (Talking about her 30 year old adult child btw) 

At that point it felt like the entire night was suddenly revolving around Sally’s last minute rule.

Because the situation was escalating, Susan left us at  the arcade we were all at to go back and get our luggage, since we decided to just stay at a hotel instead.

I had a gut feeling about what was about to happen. I knew Sally would be furious that we didn’t immediately fold to her controlling text, and I had a feeling Susan would end up consoling her while the rest of us were stuck waiting.

That’s exactly what happened.

We ended up stranded at that arcade for two hours, exhausted and overstimulated after traveling all day, while Susan was back dealing with Sally’s meltdown.

When Sally called, I told her:

“We took time away from our jobs and our pets to be here. I’m not going to have a curfew on vacation. I’d rather stay in a hotel than feel like we’re walking on eggshells.”

Apparently Sally started having a panic attack after that, and Susan told me to calm down because I sounded heated. 

This pissed me off so bad because it was no longer about Sally’s controlling text or the fact that we were stranded at an arcade. It was about my TONE instead! 

Who wouldn’t be upset after sitting in an overstimulating arcade, in a state they’re unfamiliar with, after being up since 5am?!?

Later Susan called back and said:

“Sally is willing to give up her sleep so that you guys can shower tonight. She really doesn’t want you guys to stay somewhere else.”

As if she was doing us some huge favor.

At that point I repeated that I’d rather just stay in a hotel than deal with all that. 

Then the narrative changed to how Sally and Dylan just felt “left out” and how everyone should understand Sally’s needs because we’re the only family she has left. Susan even said I should especially understand because I’m disabled and know how hard it is to accommodate myself. 

That really stung. To have my disability compared to Sally’s two month pregnancy and self diagnosed insomnia. 

Susan ended up staying at their house while the rest of us stayed in an Airbnb.

The next morning we were figuring out what to do for the day over the phone. I suggested going to see a movie because it’s honestly one of the few activities that doesn’t exhaust me physically. I even told Susan and Peter that this was something I really wanted to do together as a family days before the trip. 

However Sally said movies “completely zap her energy.” 

And of course, we went to a huge rose garden instead and walked around for a very long time so that Sally wouldn’t get tired.

Again, I have 75% lung capacity, so walking long distances is obviously really hard for me. But I didn’t want to deal with another tantrum. 

At one point Sally even rode the wheelchair shuttle bus around the garden despite not being disabled, just slightly pregnant. She also rushed to cut an actual disabled person off when it was time to get off the bus. 

After that trip, where I set the one boundary about not having a curfew, she and her husband completely stopped interacting with my social media. Which is weird because she used to like and respond to my stories and comment on my posts.

At first I thought maybe they were just taking a break from interacting on Instagram in general and were only using it for DMs.

But then something happened that made that explanation feel unlikely.

My thoracic surgeon actually made a post about my surgery, which was honestly a huge moment for me. Its the first time the surgery has ever been performed. I shared it in the family group chat because I thought they’d think it was cool. I honestly had a gut feeling that Sally would comment on that post for some attention.

Sure enough, Sally immediately went to the post and commented something like:

“This is my sister-in-law! She’s so brave!”

Which felt strange, because she had stopped interacting with my own posts and stories after the Seattle trip, even the ones where I talk about my disability and accomplishments.

So it was surprising that she would publicly comment on someone else’s post about me, but not interact with my posts directly…

While I was still in the ICU barely awake with a breathing tube down my throat, Peter was updating the family group chat. 

Instead of just acknowledging the situation, Sally and Dylan started comparing their NICU experience with their baby to what I was going through. I provided screenshots of this convo. 

They said things like:

• Their experience was more uncomfortable.

• I had more empathetic doctors.

• Doctors didn’t know how to handle a baby as active as theirs.

I understand that sometimes people try to relate by sharing their own experiences. And I don’t doubt that their baby needing oxygen wasn’t stressful. 

But this didn’t feel like relating. It felt like comparing.

It was hard to see them all agreeing that their 4 day NICU stay was “more uncomfortable” when I literally just had my entire aorta replaced and my sternum surgically rearranged. 

Also, doctors not knowing how to handle a very active baby is one thing. Doctors also don’t usually know how to handle one of the rarest connective tissue disorders in the world.

Mind you, the night before my surgery Susan walked in our room with Sally and Dylan on the phone and forced me to chat with them. Dylan did all the talking saying “It’s been awesome to witness your journey.” Which shocked me because again, they haven’t interacted with me individually since the Seattle trip. Sally didn’t say one thing besides “I’m sorry I’m not talking it’s because I have a sore throat. I’m going to be so pissed if the babysitter got me sick.” Like, girl, you can’t  speak and that’s what you choose to say? 

She even started talking about French toast sticks in response to her brother’s updates about me in the group chat. 💀

The whole situation just reinforced the same pattern I’ve seen for years: everything somehow circles back to Sally and her experiences being centered.

At this point I’m honestly just exhausted by the dynamic and have started distancing myself. I admit that I’m carrying a lot of resentment from that Seattle  trip. 

I wasn’t able to speak to my sister in law about how I felt because their mother cried to me saying “Sally just isn’t strong enough to handle a conversation like this.” And that shut me down. And now I’m carrying this guilt that if I say anything, Sally will do something harmful to herself like her mother suggested.

Am I overreacting? Is it reasonable to be this resentful over the "curfew" incident and the NICU comparisons, or am I being too sensitive given that they might just be trying (and failing) to relate to my health struggles? I sometimes feel like I’ve done something wrong because they went completely ghost after that trip. 

AIO: My SIL comparing her “disability” to mine.