My story

When I was 16, the idea of having kids was brought to my attention. At the time, the only real awareness I had was the physical part of having kids. I remember being terrified when confronted about it. The truth is, that I did a lot of research about it, and what could go wrong. The idea of my body getting larger, carrying another human being. It didn’t give me butterflies. It made me scared. So I answered “I think I’ll just adopt”.

Fast forward to my twenties, I remember feeling very desperate about a situation I was in. I was very infatuated with someone, and battling an inner struggle of juggling psychosis, addiction recovery, and life transitions. I wanted to feel like they wanted me, and I toyed with the idea of getting pregnant. To be honest I would have gotten an abortion anyway if anything happened. The only thing we really said afterwards was “not yet”. We stopped communicating shortly after.

I went into therapy. I realized how scared I was and not in a good headspace to make any kind of decision like that. I realized that taking care of me was a lot more work than I had initially realized, and combined a lot of support from doctors and professionals. The reality soon hit me: I may not be a good candidate for being a mom.

I thought I would feel a sadness or grief. Instead I felt relief. I was free from everything, any sense of power a man could hold over my body. The way I could leave a situation if needed (which is already hard) and not have a kid.

I am not a child free person that always considered being child free. In a way I feel like an imposter on this subreddit because many claim to have always felt childfree. I just wanted to share my story.

I’m 27, I’m bipolar, I have PTSD, and a full time job, and I’m going back to school. I’ve been clean for 2 years. And I wouldn’t trade these opportunities, milestones, and therapeutic help I’ve been able to received for a kid. Thank you.