To my fifth-grade self

My darling child,

It has been almost seven years since I looked in a mirror and saw your face. I can’t believe that you are gone. I miss you so much. I wish you were here instead of me.

I have done a lot of very stupid things in your absence, but every stupid thing I’ve done has been for you. For example, my quest for thinness was only because I wanted to be like you again. My attempts at suicide were only because I cannot live without you. I can exist without you, but it is not a life

I wrote a book of poems and dedicated it to you. It’s kind of horrible, but it’s for you.

I have done every possible thing to bring you back, but I’m afraid that you are gone forever. I would do anything to bring you back, to see you smile, to hear your laugh, to hear you sing. I haven’t sung since you died. But there is nothing I can do.

I love you so much. May your memory forever be a blessing and a curse on those who ruined you.

Love always,

Your eighteen-year-old self