Pointless prayer attendance and scripture

I have been in the church for all my life, and i was told and firmly know that prayer, attending church, and reading the Bible are first and foremost a function of communicating with God, to build a relationship with him. As I do what I normally do, which is endlessly stew and yell and cry out to God in my mind about these things, I am keenly aware that these avenues of communication have completely failed to complete their primary purpose. As it stands i cannot and will not claim to have a relationship with Christ, and at this point am not certain about my ow salvation due to this problem. I have never once heard, felt or distinguished anything of God, not his voice, his presence, his love or affection. i am completely isolated from any direct detection or observation of God outside what has already been written for everyone else who reads the Bible. Considering this problem, I mostly just spend hours of my life going through Christian forums, reading other people’s similar concerns and problems, hoping for answers, but I have found nothing that comes even close to satisfying or reaffirming my faith or love for God.

The primary response I always see, is that reading my Bible, going to church, and praying aren’t just avenues to a relationship with Christ, but are the relationship itself. To that, I absolutely reject any notion or desire for this. If the Bible, and prayer and church are all i have, if I can never hear Gods voice, or feel his presence, or experience his love aside from reading the Bible, the the Bible isn’t enough and it never will be for me. I cannot, and will not build a proper connection or faith upon pages. I’ve also heard that our relationship with God comes from how we interact with other Christian’s. Why would I want anything to do with other humans? None of them are going to adequately help me solve my problems, much less solve them outright. Hell I don’t even have the power to solve them myself, why would I want another human trying to do that for me, who isn’t perfect either? if you’re the best Christ can send to show his love, faithfulness, calmness and compassion, then it is wholly inadequate, and I am wholly uninterested.

I don’t want a community, I don’t want a book, and they certainly aren’t enough to support y my faith in Christ, and to give me the strength to be the man Christ wants me to be. Anything short of communication from God himself would be effective damnation, I’d never be able to succeed. But beyond the utilitarian lens of meeting Gods demands and rules, it would never make me happy or fulfilled. If the closest I ever got to my father was through servants or slaves, then I’d never find the loving relationship that I not only need, but so desperately want.