My struggles in faith

Currently I'm 21 years old and always had a problem with feeling a connection with God. Growing up I was very devoted, I prayed every day, always excited to go to church and learn about God, I even had my own Bible from which I read about and was fascinated by the stories and being near people that were inspired to teach me about it.

However that feeling waned as I reached my late teens and led to me feeling empty about being a Christian and for many years I chalked it as just a teenage phase of being disconnected from the people around me and then eventually suffering from mental illness.

Then I started thinking that I'm not worthy of calling myself a Christian so I stopped for a few years when I started university and started calling myself an agonist because that's all I could describe it. It felt imminent, like it was the conclusion of life

I tried again because I still think I believe in God but everytime I come back to church or when I try again, that emptiness becomes worse. I worshipped, fasted, prayed for renewal of strength and connection, got prayers from others, gave, myself, my issues and my mind to God, it didn't work. It felt worse

I am a passionate science student and have also developed a cynical, almost nihilistic-absurdist hybrid viewpoint on life and there's a huge possibility that I have ADHD so I think those things might have had an effect on this and it sucks because I want to believe in God, I still think I do. But I also believe I don't anymore and it gets worse everytime I go to church (Granted it's not the church's fault at all, they are good people). I am trying not to give up though.