Hey Dad, I feel like I’m going through my first real heartbreak, and I don’t really know how to process it properly

I (M25) was close friends with someone (F23) for a couple of years. We talked a lot, spent time together, were there for eachother and built a really strong connection. Earlier last year we tried to take things further and date, but it didn’t work out. she dumped me but suggested we stayed friends which i agreed to at the time. She told me she could potentially see us working again in the future if things aligned, which I naively believed at the time, after a few months of being close again I caught feelings again and confessed, She told me she didn’t feel the same way, and I said I understood, but I also told her I’d need some space because I still had feelings.

The problem is, after that, things never really stayed clean. A couple of weeks later she reached out asking for help when she was scared, and I went. Then again she reached out saying she missed me and that I was one of her best friends. I tried to keep distance, but eventually we ended up talking again.

A couple of months later she sent me a long emotional message saying she had caught feelings again and wanted to talk. I agreed, and when we met she brought up the idea of an open relationship, which I wasn’t really comfortable with. She also didn’t tell me at the time that she was seeing someone else, and I only found out after I followed up later. That made me feel like she wasn’t being fully honest with me, especially after saying she would be. There were also things she said that didn’t sit right with me or didn't add up, which hurt because it felt like she was pushing me away after pulling me back in. Eventually things ended badly and we stopped communucating after this falling out. I apologised for my part in it and got no

acknowledgement or response. Then a few months later she reached out asking to catch up, like nothing had happened. I went and said some things I had on my mind, which I don't think went down well cause we stopped talking after this also. that was the last we have spoken.

What’s really been hard is that I later found out she had said some pretty negative things about me behind my back while we were close. That’s been difficult to process because it doesn’t match how I experienced the connection at all. It makes me feel like I didn’t really know how she saw me.

On top of that, this was my first real experience getting close to someone in a romantic and physical way. I was really anxious at the time and didn’t communicate properly, and I feel like I missed an opportunity because of that. Since then I’ve been stuck comparing myself to other people and feeling like I’m behind.

I’ve been trying to move on and I haven’t reached out, but some days are still really hard. I keep replaying everything in my head, wondering what I could’ve done differently, and at the same time trying to accept that it’s just over. Sometimes I have urges to just explain myself but I think that might arise more questions than answers.

I guess what I’m asking is how do you actually deal with something like this in a healthy way? How do you rebuild your confidence after feeling like someone you cared about saw you in such a negative way? And how do you let go of something that felt so real to you, even if it wasn’t the same for them?

that was long so Thanks for reading if you made it this far.