How I know if I’m trans? (Again)

Hi everyone! Im a detransitioner and im really regretting it. i wanted to post on here to get some advice on the steps I can take moving forward and to feel less alone in what im going through.

For context, i first transitioned (ftm) when i was 13 and i was very accepted by my friend group and teachers. I hadn’t come out to my family as they are transphobic and I didn’t think that was a good idea. For a long time I felt okay with my identity and didn’t feel very dysphoric as most boys my age hadn’t started puberty yet so I passed pretty well.

Fast forward to freshman year, I had moved from a public school to an alternative school. The teachers here were more accepting of queer students than my other school so I thought it would be a great fit for me. The problem was the students. Class sizes were about 5 students and the whole high school program consisted of about 30 students give or take. Basically everyone knew everyone, and everything about them.

There was one trans student who was constantly referred to as “the trans kid” and every time his name was brought up in conversation they had to point out that he was born a girl and would even misgender him (they claimed it wasn’t on purpose but it kinda felt like it was). We ended up getting two more trans students (both mtf) and the way they were treated was horrible. They were constantly picked on behind their backs because they “sounded like dudes” and they went as far as finding one of their deadnames and using it against her just because she was being annoying.

I quickly realized this wasn’t a safe place to be openly trans. So I started growing my hair out and wearing more makeup. This resulted in more attention from guys which fueled the feminization a lot. Basically throughout the entirety of highschool I was socially a girl.

I’ve personally identified as genderfluid and shared that with my close friends and a couple teachers I trusted but no one on the outside knew. I did keep going by my chosen name because the thought of switching back to my dead name made me sick to my stomach, and even as a cis presenting person, students still found a way to deadname me. During this time, I had two boyfriends, who I was open to about my gender identity before we started dating but it was obvious they only saw me as a girl.

Now that I’ve graduated, I’ve spent more time surrounded by other queer people and it make me realize that i might have made a mistake detransitioning. Im still trying to figure out if im actually trans or if i just hate my body. Im currently just dealing with a lot of internalized transphobia and I kind of feel embarrassed to admit that I’m trans. My parents are also MAGA so it feels unsafe while I’m under their roof. I’m just very confused about my identity and how to even go about transitioning if or when I’m ready.

I know this is a lot of useless venting but I really wanted to get this off my chest as I have a very low support system right now. Also sorry if this is a hard read. grammar isn’t my strong suit💀