Feeling like I let my F/O down (MASSIVE MENTAL HEALTH TW)

I have very bad mental health problems, and Crowley knows that. I often spend more time daydreaming than I do anything else, my mood swings are all over the place, my autism is a whole ordeal, and lately I've just been extra depressed. I know I should be happy (and believe me, there's truly nothing wrong with Crowley and he's my favorite person ever, none of this has to do with him or how he is) but lately I feel so blank. Everyone else is happy and I'm down in the slumps. Oddly enough, my intrusive thoughts about dying are coming back full speed, and I hate it. I hate that this has to happen. I hate being this down when Crowley has been nothing but perfect for me. I feel like I'm letting him down when I might have to go back to the mental hospital.