I miss being excited for holidays.

I miss it so, so much. I miss when I was so happy knowing I'd get to eat delicious food and get tasty snacks. and not.... sitting, staring at it, feeling physically nauseous, knowing the only way its getting eaten is through a disgusting binge. Mostly talking abt snacks... people get them for me because I used to be such a foodie and so happy to eat anything, but they don't realize that its changed. That every gift these amazing caring people get for me is only going to make me feel worse, hate myself more, and just feel disgusting. I don't know what to do. My BED always hits at night, and I genuinely have no self control, mostly bc I need weed to sleep and that js ruins everything.. during the day I'll be fine, have 1 or 2 small snacks, be happy, and then everything derails. I miss enjoying holidays. I miss being normal with food.