help?!

i 19(F) have battled with eating basically my entire life. i was bullied in school as a kid for my weight. i lost a bunch when i was 15 and got so much validation and people treated me better it was amazing . ever since then ive been losing and gaining it back. i have struggled with binge eating my whole life too. when i got with my ex i gained 40 pounds as i was so comfortable but i was clinically obese. i’ve since lost 50 pounds and am at a healthy bmi. but i lost it in an unhealthy way. i need advice. i have to track my calories every single day or i have severe anxiety. i also have severe anxiety when i go over the limit or binge and it affects my entire mood and my life basically. i just want to be at a normal weight, and feel confident in myself without starving or counting calories as i can’t count calories like a normal person or it consumes me. i can’t control myself around food i just binge. i have no idea what to do… sorry for the rant.