I [M23] am facing a decision that might cost me what I think is the love of my life [23F]

TL;DR: After a wonderful but complex 4.5 years, me and my partner separeted. We then kept spending a lot of time with each other and stayed exclusive, before completely ending our contact for a few months. We then AGAIN re-entered each others lives before setting up an ultimate plan for how to be together and happy 3 years in the future, but no sooner, even though I love her and she really seems to love me too. I don’t know what to do.

Bear with me, cause this is a long one.

Dear readers,

Last April, I ended my 4.5 year long relationship with the woman I love (I will call her F). We got together at a rough time in both of our lives, tackling mild depression and anxiety. Our connection became very deep and honest from both sides, including sharing our personal problems a lot. This meant that we had a strong relationship and deep trust in one another, but at the same time we carried a lot of the others emotional weight. Too much.

As time went on, we worked on our problems. We moved in together after 2.5 years and had such an amazing time there (for the most part..). I dropped out of my uni program after two years because I realized I did not want that carreer, she was there to support me through a personal crisis, and after one year of taking jobs here and there, I had worked hard to pass the entry exams to a program in a more sophisticated and interesting field. I was going places as a young adult, but she was much more stuck in her social anxieties and fears. I don't want you to get the wrong idea here, we were both very supportive to each other at all times, but there comes a point where a difference in ambition starts to tear on the relationship if not handled with mutual understanding (it was not from either of us).

I could get a call during work or studies from my beloved where she would tell me “I’m stuck in bed… I’m stuck with the phone watching reels and I can’t get out. Can you please help me?” And of course I would help her (we got on FaceTime and I “forced” her to go heat some food and show me proof, then encouraged her for doing a good thing). I used to go with her 1 hour in the car and sit outside her ceramics class for 2 hours every week because she felt too scared to go alone. It’s just the kind of person I am, and the kind of fears she had. I want to emphasise that I have no problems acting this way in a relationship, and she is a very strong person, but what I was missing from her was some kind of work on her issues.

We kept supporting each other, but while I chased my dreams and worked hard for it, she felt stuck and claimed she wasn't ready for therapy (also meeting new friends, starting an education, exercise) whenever I brought it up. It broke my heart because I knew deep within she wanted those things just as much as I wanted her to experience them. But her fears were too strong.

Either way, time passes on some more and we lived together for 2 years. We had a cat and we went travelling to multiple countries together. We envisioned a future together. A life together. Here is where we start drifting apart. As a 22 year old, I prioritized my studies a lot, and since I felt so confident in my relationship and our strong love, I wanted to spend more time with new people. While her fears have been predominant in the relationship, I still have my personal issues too, among them a social anxiety and overthinking/rumination problem. I end up sort of reinventing myself in this university program I started and I realized that I was thriving in that environment. I was getting inspired, I was conversing, making friends, hanging out, studying hard, reaching my goals. I ended up spending more and more time there.

When I try to share my happiness and ambition that I found in the academic environment, F did nit respond very well. She was happy for me, absolutely, but she felt left out and that I was not spending enough time on her. I completely understand her, and it is because I completely understand her that a conflict started brewing within me. In the end I do value connection, experiences, and relationships more than prestige, career, and grades, but I just felt so happy going after those things in this shade of my life. I realized that I can't really compromise on the time I'm spending there (some weeks I could come home at 8pm or later every day, and we used to have a pretty strict dinner at 6:30 every day), because that would mean giving up on my finally taking big steps out of my comfort zone and conquering my own life. This is where it starts to suck.

We grow further and further in imbalance, and I feel more and more guilt. She feels more and more like dead weight being alone at home for the majority of time (currently working a 20% job). Her fears are not compatible with my ambition, but we love each other so deeply; we do not want things to end, but we can both feel that it's going that way.

Then the absolute worst thing happens. I grow some kind of feelings for a classmate of mine. Some might say this is very predictable, and I would agree. I would have handled it very differently now, but I was naive and very emotional. I wanted to be rid of this weight of guilt and responsibility for F's anxiety. I flirted with my classmate and even held her hand at one point (we were on a walk and sat down on a bench), and I later confessed to F. That's when we were at the point of no return. After struggling for a couple of weeks, I felt like I would soon die. I had to end it.

The problem with ending things when both people still love one another is that you can't really walk away. Not if you're a hopeless romantic, anyway. Some time passed and me and F got back in contact. We spent a large part of the summer together and even went on a trip. Safe to say, those months were the most bittersweet time of my life. We were happy to be together, but we both still clearly needed space to recover from what had happened. But we couldn't let go. It became what some might call a dragged-out ending.

After 5 months in limbo, we put a definitive end to it. We were both devastated, but of course I didn't think she was. She grew up in a more emotionally stable and supportive household, so she was much more prepared for this kind of thing. For 4 months, I could barely think about anything but her. I ended up seeing the girl from my uni quite a few times, but it never became something other than physical relief and momentary comfort. I could not stop thinking about F, but from what I saw on instagram, she was doing fine without me.

After these 4 months of no contact, I contacted her to talk about our common belongings and how to split them. We ended up chatting for some time but then I had to go, so we decided to meet another time. That time, we spent 7 hours together talking about lots of serious things and listening to each others stories, but also just having fun together. I realized she wants to be with me too, or at least a part of her wants that. After this occurrence, we exchanged messages and reels on a regular basis for a month. We are now up to speed until last Tuesday, when we had a discussion over text that ended with her asking me to tell her everything I thought was unfair in her behavior throughout the separation process. I didn't think this was a topic for texting, but I agreed in the end. After writing for 30 minutes, she proposed that we meet anyway, and so we did.

This meeting was very special and it is precious to me. We spoke for 5 hours, reminiscing, talking about each others growth, but also about our future. We were both very clear about our feelings for each other, saying that we hoped to end up together, to have a family and future together. But that we could not have that now, because of my classmate (who is in my friend group), since F would know that I would be seeing her pretty much every day and she could not take that pain right now. We both agreed it was really unfortunate that it went down the way it did and that F didn't start getting her stuff together until the end of the relationship.

After a long talk, we agreed that the best thing for our future is to not have contact right now, and then we will meet in our high-school reunion in three years, and like from a movie we will exchange glances and approach each other, and from there the rest will be history.

Now this is all fine and dandy, until you confront the huge elephant in the room: How reasonable is three years passing and none of us moving on? I am now uncertain of what I should do. I love her, and she really seems to love me.

Some points that I didn't include in the story, but are still important:

• I ended it initially
• She ended it the second time (definitively, after the 5 moth limbo).
• This 3 year plan was her idea, a "fantasy" of hers.
• We both expressed that we wish to be together, if possible.
• Before I went home, she wanted me to tuck her into bed and put her to sleep like I used to do before. I then locked the door and dropped the keys through the letterbox with tears in my eyes and love in my heart. I cannot thank you enough for reading my text. I have very few people I can ask in confidence.
• We are both neurodivergent and she has since been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder.

Thank you so incredibly much for reading my post. I would love to hear your input. What is the right course of action?