was i abusive?

Hi, I am a 21-year-old university student. I’m here because I don’t know what to do or how to move on. I’m not looking for approval or to make myself feel better—I just need clarity.

I was with my now ex-boyfriend for almost 1 year and 4 months. We started dating in our first semester of college and hit it off really fast. Before him, I had been in another relationship for 1 year and 9 months, and only 3 weeks after that ended, I started seeing him. I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship at the time, but we really clicked and wanted the same things within the first month.

Everything felt very intense—deep emotions, strong connection, and I truly fell for him. However, I had unresolved issues from past relationships and childhood trauma. Around that time, I stopped going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist because I had been discharged and felt okay.

Things started to change when he had to move back to his parents’ house. He began to distance himself and would ghost me for weeks—not completely, since we went to the same school, but he wouldn’t respond to my texts and was very dry. When I confronted him, he tried to break up with me, saying he didn’t feel enough. In the end, we didn’t break up and continued the relationship.

For a couple more months, things were okay, but I started feeling like I was putting in much more effort than he was. He stopped doing small things that made me feel loved, like giving me flowers or little gestures. It wasn’t about money—I just wanted to feel cared for, and I didn’t.

Eventually, I had a really bad emotional episode and was very hard on him. He always said he was trying his best, and I do believe he loved me, but neither of us was getting our needs met. He ended the relationship.

We were apart for almost two months, but then got back together right before his birthday. Things were fine until January, when I started working. I still wanted a relationship with someone reliable, but he always wanted to handle things his way. Because of my abandonment issues, I struggled to communicate calmly and had intense anxiety, constantly fearing he would leave again.

During one of these episodes, we had a big fight. He said we shouldn’t be together, and I told him okay and asked him to leave me alone—but he didn’t. I ended up saying very hurtful things. I called him names, said he never cared about me, and even smashed a water bottle on the ground. Right after, I came back to my senses and apologized, telling him he didn’t deserve that and that I understood if he wanted to leave.

He said he needed time to think, and we agreed on two weeks, but we never made it through that period properly. We kept talking, and things felt okay at times, but he said we couldn’t get back together and that we should focus on ourselves. This confused me because he stayed close but wouldn’t fully let me go.

Since we go to the same school and share spaces, we kept seeing each other. One day, I used his computer and saw he had been researching abusive relationships and talking about me in an AI chat. He found out and got very upset. He left, stopped talking to me, and blocked me on everything.

I tried to reach out at first, but he didn’t want to listen, so I stopped.

During this time, I started reconnecting with someone who had been my friend since second semester. I really like him and feel calm and safe around him. We didn’t start talking with the intention of dating, and I wasn’t even looking for a relationship—but we have strong chemistry.

Still, I feel guilty. All my relationships seem to start the same way, and I’m afraid they’ll end the same way too. The only common factor is me, and that makes me feel like I’m the problem.

I don’t want to hurt this new person, but I’m still processing my last relationship. My ex is speaking badly about me, saying I was abusive, manipulative, and controlling. I do recognize that I hurt him, and I take responsibility for that. But I also feel like things were complicated on both sides.

Now I feel lost. I’m scared that if I start something new, I’ll end up hurting someone again. I don’t want that, and I don’t know what to do.