So lost

I am currently half high as I write this. I hit the last of my dab pen. Towards the end it was blue vapor. My head kinda hurts. I’m completely down and out. I have been fired from every single job I have ever had. I think a big part of that might be because of weed I started smoking and drinking when I was 12. I got a really bad addiction to both weed and alcohol and I started to try a bunch of other drugs and basically just every I never learned how to control my emotions or handle them or deal with them or anything like that so I just continuously ran for my problems for years and eventually I got to the point I looked around and I realized I had nothing and that made me want to smoke even more. I had weed when I had nothing when I was younger I really was low. I couldn’t see a way out and weed was there for me and made me feel happy at a time that I couldn’t even feel happiness myself or deal with anything. Weed has been there for me for a lot, but I relied on it too much like a friend that you love and care for but it’s actually bad for you and you make excuses for them because at one point in your life, they were there for you when you really needed it and no one else was and for years it was just my safety blanket and now I’m 33 and I got fired from my job about three weeks ago and I realized that I’m a complete loser and that hurts and I really don’t know what to do. I love weed and I love the way that it makes me feel but now I’m in a position to where I can’t buy more and I’m out and I’m forced to deal with everything that I’ve done or haven’t done and it hurts. I’m overwhelmed by everything and all I want to do is smoke and feel OK but I know that that’s the one thing or not the one thing but part of the thing that led me to where I am now a loser by my own creation.