Fairness vs boundaries

I would love to hear experienced perspectives from this group on ENM relationships regarding boundaries and fairness.

My husband (M) and I (F) were both born into high demand religions that centered around purity culture. We were married very young due to these societal and religious pressures and missed out on a lot of normal human experiences. As we find ourselves no longer aligned with these beliefs and regretting what was lost, he has opened up about his kinks and desires, ie threesomes, sharing me etc. He’s encouraged me to get on exploration apps for both of us.

It excites him, and initially it seemed liberating for me too but I then feel like I’m sifting for safety which has made me realize that my sexuality very much relies on feeling safe and that’s hard for me to do with strangers, and polyamory feels like an emotional crossed boundary for me.

We’ve discussed boundaries and that me going out + being reclaimed, or bringing in a third MMF is something we both feel comfortable with, but he doesn’t want me dating or getting emotionally involved with other men. I agree, because I I would feel the same way with him dating.

We’ve proceeded forward with this understanding. Our boundaries are no emotional connections, past boyfriends/girlfriends, co-workers, friends etc.

We quickly learned that there is a strong market of men wanting women, but not the other way. I’m fit and curvy with lots of offers. He’s not the typical physique that would be invited in for a bull. So our exploration has been primarily been me exploring or inviting in another male MMF.

My experiences have been overwhelmingly healthy. It truly helped me to reclaim what was lost in my youth - the ability to discover different people without shame and it’s helped unlock receiving at a whole new level that has made our sex life even better.

So, I want this for him as well.

However with lots of options for me but not many for him, he’s come to believe that no one is going to hookup with him without me, and it places me in the situation of being the token. For example, I’m not bi and am not attracted to a bi-FMF situation so presented with this option I feel like a token and usually the woman is more interested in me than him. It just doesn’t feel right.

Now, he’s pursuing this in a way that feels on the boundary line we discussed.

He ran into an old co-worker and friend recently. He told her that we are open and she initially said that she’s not interested in FWB- but that she could use a friend because she’s a single mom. He’s been meeting her for lunch, going to the gym, (transparently) and every time he comes back he talked about how she might change her mind and is constantly encouraging me to go out, hook-up, reply to messages on my apps etc

The thing is - I think he wants this more than I do. I’m actually grateful for my experiences because they helped me drop this “you must be married or go to hell” mentality I was raised with - but I think an experience or two is all that I needed to release and heal. I don’t think I need this ongoing.

I wish to be fair with him and want him to have a similar experience - yet I feel like he is pursuing this in a way that we agreed not to - an old work friend, dating, listening to all her problems, being her emotional support and developing a relationship so that he can eventually sleep with her.

I really don’t know what the solution is. I’m not offended with the idea of him exploring and it’s not that I get to explore while he doesn’t. It’s more that this is something he encouraged me to do - partly because it was his kink and it was freeing for both of us. Now I’m conflicted with feelings of being “unfair” yet the direction this is moving is teetering on boundaries and not sitting well with me.

Have you experienced something similiar?