I don't even know if it's POCD anymore. I'm so horrified.

Words cannot begin to describe the disgust and fear I feel towards myself.

Legitimately I cannot look at any person without assuming they might somehow be underage. When I look at someone who IS underage I'm immediately filled with thoughts, feelings, and urges that make me want to punch myself in the head.

Why can't I feel like everyone else does? Why can't I look at a child and feel normal, protective feelings? NO, IT HAS TO BE THE MOST DISGUSTING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS FUCKING POSSIBLE.

It doesn't help that I'm struggling with real events from when I was much younger, and false memories. Not only are my thoughts and feelings horrific but I feeling like I'm already a monster and nobody has caught me yet.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't fucking like it. My brain is trying so hard to convince me that I do, but I don't. I genuinely feel like every time I get into a spiral I immediately have to hang myself or else I'm going to hurt someone.