alone

I understand people don’t mean any harm by it but every time I see a post that’s like “canon events all autistic women/ppl experience” and it’s stuff I’ve never done…it makes me feel so ashamed and fake…it actually made me start doing things to try to harm myself or get addicted to things bc I feel like it’s the only way I can prove I’m autistic even tho im diagnosed. I think the “all/most autistic people have substance abuse issues” gets to me bc I feel so fucking dumb. I was told not to as a kid and I was rly scared of rule breaking so I didn’t. And now as an adult I miss out on the socializing that stuff can bring because I’m uncomfortable and just think about how stupid I am. I’ve tried a few different substances now but honestly I felt like. literally no addiction which again reinforces im faking autism. I just feel ashamed and lonely. Autistic people talk ab drinking like it’s some magic potion that masks their autism and I feel so dumb bc it doesn’t do that for me and has never been fun. Idek what I’m trying to say I just feel so alone and the very few times I tried to explain ppl were like “well be grateful you’re not struggling enough to be an addict” and I rly do understand I don’t want to diminish ppls struggles or addictions bc I KNOW they’re awful but I just cry thinking abt that bc im struggling rly bad but nobody cares bc I cant PROVE it. I spent my entire life masking and pretending im fine and normal and now shocker. everyone thinks im fine and normal and don’t care. idk why I get so triggered by those posts ig bc my own closest friends relate to a lot of them and I can’t and I feel sm hatred toward myself