I feel broken and betrayed

I feel like my partner has let me down and I hate him right now. I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore. I feel resentment growing.

Me and partner planned a 2 week holiday to another state. It was to see his family and he wanted me to come along. It’s the first time I’ve ever been out of my state. It’s been so overwhelming for me. I’ve been here for a week…and now I’m a plane going home.

I wanted to attempt on Saturday after an argument we had. He said hurtful things that pushed me over the edge. I went straight back to the feeling of feeling like everything is wrong with me and nothing is okay anymore. My partner and his mother left to go to a birthday after I told my partner how I felt (wanting to not be here anymore). I felt abandoned. I’d never leave him alone if he told me that.

Yesterday, Sunday, there was another family birthday. My partner spent the day with me instead as I was in rough shape. His mum told my partner that she felt used. Me and my partner are staying in her apartment whilst on holiday. She said she felt used, and I guess no longer wants me here, so I’m having to go home. Sean agrees with the mum and says he can only say so much for me. He says to talk to my therapist to explain. It’s not about me wanting to die, they say it’s about me making Sean miss important things due to the timing. I will not apologise for feeling the way I did, and for him choosing to spend time with me.

I also still think it’s unreasonable to want apology, as I’d never make him do that. Like ever. This feels like betrayal. Everything does right now.

I am on a plane now going home. Knowing how much I struggle, he wouldn’t even take me to the airport and help me. He says he had a rental car to get that he ordered last week. He would have still had plenty of time, and regardless, I’d delay that if that meant he’ll be okay.