Thought don't stop

well I'm medicated and away from major stressors /unsafe environment but the thoughts never stop no matter how good I feel. the meds just stabilize me but I have thoughts of hurting myself so much, urges even, and I don't know what to do.

I know healing is a journey but there's a part of me that thinks I'm just destine to be like this and die young. I don't know. I'm tired of this shit. I want to know what a "normal" brain feels like, one without all the anhedonia, depression, suicidal ideation, alienation, otherness, for once, just one time in my life. im tired, so tired, im not strong, let me be a human who's beat up and tired, let me stop fighting please.

it genuinely feels like I'm just always gonna be like this until I die :/