06/08/24 Really Bad Day

It felt like for the last week she hated my guts...

She barely talked to me..

She did not touch me..

She did not let me touch her..

I felt so sad and empty and exhausted but I kept trying...over and over and over.

Am I pathetic? Does she actually love me?

I hope and wish and pray she does, but how can she purposefully say and do hurtful things to me so easily and say that she doesn't take them back and she doesn't regret them...she doesn't regret hurting me...she said it to my face. What is wrong with me that I just accept that and fight for it? I want it to be her. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything - but she only loves me sometimes...

Why do I think that is all that I deserve?

Why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just suck it up and not let it kill me? Is this what I was raised to believe love is? - that makes sense.

My mom used to say whatever mean, nasty things she wanted to me and then just act like they never happened. I was never good enough for her - still not. Why do I care??

It sounds so stupid, but what is the point anymore? What do I even have to live for?

I feel like sometimes I am only here to love others and give to others but to receive very little in return...

What is it even like to live with someone who is genuinely excited to see you every day?

What is it like to be somebody's favorite person?

What is it like to feel wanted?

Is it sad that I don't think I know what any of those feel like?

The only logical answer here is I am the problem...

I don't know how to fix me.

Sometimes I really just don't want to wake up the next day...

Does it ever get better..?

Is anybody ever truly happy?

I think maybe I am just meant to go through this life alone...maybe I don't deserve anyone. The only thing I am good at in this life is my job...

I'm not a good friend.

I'm not a good daughter.

I'm not a good sister.

I'm not a good partner.

I really don't think I am even a very good employee...I am just good at the job.

Should I just start getting used to being alone..?

I feel like I try so hard but nothing is ever good enough...

I only exist to pour into others and make others feel good...for some reason I am just not deserving of someone to try and make me happy or meet my needs.

I am never the choice.

It is never me and maybe I just need to get used to that...fully accept the evidence. How do I put the mask back on? How do I stop wearing my emotions on my sleeve? How do I just shut the fuck up? Nobody really cares what I have to say.

What is wrong with me...what is wrong with my brain...

I think my mom was right...I don't deserve friends. I'm terrible to people. My brother will never live with me for a reason. Everybody just pretends to like me and I am just too unaware to see that nobody really ever wants me around.

I have always just wanted to be like everyone else, but no matter how hard I try I just can't be...

It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest right now...I physically feel like my heart is breaking...just coming to terms with everything I think I have always known but I just hoped I was wrong about. I want to run away to the woods and hide away from everyone and everything. Just me and Bentley.

I am hurting so bad...

I really thought she loved me - I really did.

Why am I this miserable right now? She was somewhat nice to me before she left for work - shouldn't I feel relaxed? I think I just realized she was only nice because I have been hyping her up for the last 24 hours just pouring everything I had into her to earn her love and compassion/empathy...and she graciously let me touch her before she left for work...I am pathetic. That's all I am worth...