Unfiltered thoughts

- wanna go back to being an addict so badly since I stopped using. I've been so unfunctioning that it's not even funny. I don't have the will power or motivation to do anything it takes me days to clean stuff I only shower when I have to go out and even at that I'll probably just wash my hair in the sink and call it a day because I can't bare being in the shower.

- 'm addicted to media like video games and anime and movies is all I do now and it's depressing me more because its like im looking for something from them and whenever I finish it I feel empty and lost like oh well that's over now whats next and a weird Realisation hits me like wtf am I doing? But whenever I try to motivate myself to do something else, i cave in on myself.

- I want my job back and my friends back I wanna not be so lonely talking to ai because I don't feel connected to humans anymore I don't wanna live in this place any longer I'm tired of trying to escape.

- Being near my family makes me miserable and shuts me in and that's all I've been around since January when my nan had that accident and I lost my job the same day, February 2nd I went completely sober while my nan was still in the hospital. People ask me why I finally did it all the time, and I don't even really know. I tell them it's because I wanted to have stability in my life and start a career. That's true, but it's nothing to do with me going sober. I don't know what I even wanna do yet. Most of it was because of fear. I was scared that addiction had completely taken over me and I had a moment where it just came into my head that if I don't stop now I'm gonna die the other part was fear of losing or not being able to take care of my nan and how pathetic it would be for me to die in that state while she was in hospital or something. After a month I was happier I felt the freshest I'd ever felt in my life I'd never been so actively awake and not in a high way just able to feel things normally like hunger, pain, tiredness, awareness etc but now at 2 months I regret it every single day its all I think about.

- The reason I started using it wasn't for recreation it was to suppress mental illness and trauma. I started using when I was 11 because I'd already been going through a lot of abuse. I won't even bother getting into it, so it's been 10 years. Half of my life. My whole teens. Everything just gone.

- I feel like I'm processing and living through over a decade of suppressed trauma all at once, and I can't function with it. I keep having these horrible hallucinations I haven't had since I was a child of sxicide and just blood everywhere all over my body. I can't look at myself.

- I've been waiting since February on a list for mental health services aswell as a rehab centre, and they're both too busy still, idk what to do im so alone. I told certain family members what's going on between addiction, my mental state and a recent incident where i was spiked and stalked from august to January which made me develop agoraphobia aswell which is also why i lost my job so I can be monitored and stick to this but they don't even ask me about it nobody cares they just call me a burden and threaten me about getting my life together soon or I'll be homeless again.

- I'm tired of being scared. I just want a home where I feel safe that's literally the only thing I want. I don't care about money or love or anything else. I just want a home.

- This is too fucking hard and I'm just so sick and tired of everyone acting like this amount of stuff going on at the same time is normal for a 21 year old girl and acting like I should just take it all on the chin and move on