Odd experience

NSFW tag because I mention self pleasure, depression, and self hatred

So, one of the many reasons I chose to worship Dionysus is because I, myself, have mental illness. I have a very intense anxiety disorder, I have depression, and while it's not officially diagnosed, OCD does run in my family and I suspect I may have that as well (but I'm not one to self diagnose.)

For quite a while now, stress and anxiety have just been piling and piling up in my chest, and tonight I had a pretty bad depressive episode. They're never dangerous, I'm not suicidal in the slightest, but it does lead to self hatred and thinking I bother my friends too much.

I was laying on the floor, in the dark, crying, when I just impulsively got up, gathered my clothes, and went to take a hot shower. I was so stressed that I was gripping at my hair (something I've been stressing about recently because it makes me dysphoric and I hate how it looks right now).

When I got in the shower, I kept thinking about Dionysus. I thought about him as I washed my hair and focused on my breaths. I tried *not* to think about him as I suddenly got out of the shower, still wet, tracking water over my carpet and even onto the blanket on my floor as I grabbed my vibrator, because thinking about the gods when indulging in self pleasure feels wrong, so I try to avoid it.

It's hard to explain but it felt like I was leaning into chaos as a form of catharsis, and it felt like it was being lead by Dionysus. I normally hate water touching my face but I sat down in the direct stream of the water and just let it hit me directly in the face, breathing through my mouth as I just let the water consume me for lack of a better term. It covered my face, it drenched my hair, and just let everything flow off of me and down the drain. I scrubbed my skin pretty hard because it felt like I was cleaning more than just my body, but it's hard to explain.

Once I turned the water off, I didn't feel perfect or fixed, but I did feel better, and somehow acknowledging that makes me emotional.

I'm not exactly sure what just happened but hail Dionysus