How do I feel less guilty after hurting a kind person in a relationship

Hi, I, 22F, met a guy 32M last year May and we started talking. I never had relationships before and I usually don’t talk to men so it was new.

He made it very clear from the beginning that he’s in love and that he wants future with me which I did not feel the same.

I knew this wasn’t gonna last a long time bc I wasn’t in love or got butterflies but after a few dates, we had S-x and ended up dating. I mention this bc I told him I don’t want anything physical before we start dating and it just happened. Because of my conservative culture, I don’t involve myself in h00k up culture and felt the need to be in relationship after what happened.

Throughout our relationship, it was like my whole new side came out. I was angry, emotionally unstable, and always yelling at him.

I was always calm, logical person so I didn’t know how to deal with this side.

I’m sure I had lots of underlying reasons why I acted the way I did, but I think big reason was bc I could clearly tell he wants future with me and I didn’t feel the same way so I found any reason I could find to push him away.

Terrible thing is, he was such a wonderful man.

He was the most patient, smart, and loving man I’ve ever met and even though I pride in myself for having high standards, he always surprised me and showed me the expectations I didn’t even think of.

Every time we fought, even if I overreacted, he begged, apologized, and reassured me.

I tried breaking up with him so many times and a lot of times, I told him I’m hurting him and that he deserves better. I told him I feel like I’m wasting his time bc I’m scared this is not gonna go anywhere.

He had abandonment issue from his mom leaving him several times when he was young and he said I’m his first love and that he never felt or done the things he do for me for any other person so he always said “you’re not hurting me. I’m a grown man. We don’t have to marry. Just be with me”.

I’m not a bad person but I could not escape guilt, especially because he’s done nothing but perfect the entire time..

I kept exploding in anger, yelling, screaming for any reasons I could find so I can push him away.

And at one point, he just was done with me. He said he realized I was never in love and that I’m a selfish person.

And the sad thing is I wasn’t sad bc I loved him but because I was terribly feeling bad for him. For him to love someone so deeply and to be treated like this. I cried every night bc I thought about him being alone in the room at nights. He always said he’s been a depressed person and that he feels terrible when he’s not with me and I just couldn’t give that love to this man.

I don’t want him to have another experience that emphasize his abandonment issue but I rlly feel like that’s exactly what I did.

Since then, we talked and I tried to act more hurt just so that he thinks I loved him more than I did but I just cannot feel any less guilty.

I pray every day for him to find another girl who loves and treats him as amazing as he treated me that he falls in love and for him to have every blessings.

What can I do to make myself feel less guilty?

And how do people even date casually when they know their partner loves them way more than they do and not feel the guilt that they can’t love them like they deserve?

I want to be able to date without having the guilt to reciprocate the love I receive. I know I don’t owe any marriage or anything but how do I stay in a relationship knowing we want two different things?

I think I was clear in my own way in th beginning but I still cannot shake off the feeling I led him on..

**TL;DR;** : need help