am i the problem?

Hi, I am a 21-year-old F university student. I’m here because I don’t know what to do or how to move on. I’m not looking for approval or to make myself feel better—I just need clarity.

I was with my now ex-boyfriend for almost 1 year and 4 months. We started dating in our first semester of college and hit it off really fast. Before him, I had been in another relationship for 1 year and 9 months, and only 3 weeks after that ended, I started seeing him. I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship at the time, but we really clicked and wanted the same things within the first month.

Everything felt very intense—deep emotions, strong connection, and I truly fell for him. At the same time, I had unresolved issues from past relationships and childhood trauma. Around that time, I stopped going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist because I had been discharged and felt okay.

Looking back at our conversations, I can see how things really were between us. There were moments where we were genuinely close, supportive, and emotionally present with each other. For example, I would check in on him when he felt mentally low, validate his feelings, and try to help him process things. He would open up about feeling overwhelmed, not knowing what to do, or feeling emotionally off, and I would try to calm him down and be there for him.

We were affectionate too—we said “I love you,” joked around, planned things like his birthday, and talked about spending time together. There were moments where he told me he wanted to be there for me and even said he wanted to go through my healing process with me. I also expressed that it wouldn’t be easy, but that I wanted him there.

At the same time, there were contradictions. While we were loving and close in some moments, there were also signs of emotional inconsistency. Sometimes he would be distant, dry, or unavailable, especially when he wasn’t feeling okay. I felt like I was constantly adjusting myself to his emotional state while also struggling with my own.

There were also moments that reflect how complicated things were—for example, talking about my medication, my mental health, trying to get better, while also joking about unhealthy coping mechanisms. It felt like we were both aware things weren’t fully okay, but still trying to make it work anyway.

Things started to change more when he had to move back to his parents’ house. He began to distance himself and would ghost me for weeks—not completely, since we went to the same school, but he wouldn’t respond to my texts and was very dry. When I confronted him, he tried to break up with me, saying he didn’t feel enough. In the end, we didn’t break up and continued the relationship.

For a couple more months, things were okay, but I started feeling like I was putting in much more effort than he was. He stopped doing small things that made me feel loved. It wasn’t about money—I just wanted to feel cared for, and I didn’t.

Eventually, I had a really bad emotional episode and was very hard on him. He always said he was trying his best, and I do believe he loved me, but neither of us was getting our needs met. He ended the relationship.

We were apart for almost two months, but then got back together right before his birthday. Even then, looking at our messages, I can see we still cared about each other—we were planning his birthday, saying we missed each other, being affectionate—but there was already emotional damage underneath that we hadn’t resolved.

Things were fine until January, when I started working. I still wanted a relationship with someone reliable, but he always wanted to handle things his way. Because of my abandonment issues, I struggled to communicate calmly and had intense anxiety, constantly fearing he would leave again.

During one of these episodes, we had a big fight. He said we shouldn’t be together, and I told him okay and asked him to leave me alone—but he didn’t. I ended up saying very hurtful things. I insulted him, said he never cared about me, and even smashed a water bottle on the ground. Right after, I came back to my senses and apologized, telling him he didn’t deserve that and that I understood if he wanted to leave.

He said he needed time to think. We tried to stay in contact, and sometimes things felt okay, but he said we couldn’t get back together and that we should focus on ourselves. This confused me because he stayed close but wouldn’t fully let me go.

Since we go to the same school, we kept seeing each other. One day, I used his computer and saw he had been researching abusive relationships and talking about me in an AI chat. He found out, got very upset, and blocked me on everything.

I tried to reach out at first, but he didn’t want to listen, so I stopped.

During this time, I started reconnecting with someone who had been my friend since second semester. I really like him and feel calm and safe around him. We didn’t start talking with the intention of dating, and I wasn’t even looking for a relationship—but we have strong chemistry.

Still, I feel guilty. All my relationships seem to start the same way, and I’m afraid they’ll end the same way too. The only common factor is me, and that makes me feel like I’m the problem.

I don’t want to hurt this new person, but I’m still processing my last relationship. My ex is speaking badly about me, saying I was abusive, manipulative, and controlling. I do recognize that I hurt him, and I take responsibility for that. But I also feel like things were complicated on both sides.

Now I feel lost. I’m scared that if I start something new, I’ll end up hurting someone again. I don’t want that, and I don’t know what to do.