how to overcome what I did when I was kid

When I was about 10 or younger, my younger sister and I were in the same school. My poor sister was yelled at by a teacher during her first year, and she ended up peeing herself. They called me out of my class. I was so young that I didn’t know what to do. All I remember is my sister with tears in her eyes, holding her pen. I don’t remember what happened after that, but someone gave her a change of clothes, I think it was one of the cleaning staff.

What I regret the most is what happened afterward. When I went back to my class, my teacher didn’t like me. Her husband had some kind of personal disagreement with my father (they were distant cousins, I found that out later). Anyway, since I was late to class, she scolded me. I told her that my sister had peed herself, and that’s why I was late.

I hated myself for that for years. Why did I say that? I felt like I humiliated both myself and my sister in front of someone who picks on kids. I also felt like I was enjoying the attention, despite my sister’s distress, which made me feel selfish and self-centered. I can’t imagine how my sister felt at that time, and it breaks my heart to think that I probably made the situation worse. She was alone, frightened, and just wanted her sister, but I didn’t know what to do. I was really naive, even though I was her older sister and she depended on me. I may have seemed strong, but it was only on the outside. I was still a child, and I didn’t know how to handle something like that.

We never talked about it afterward. My mother transferred her to another school.

I’m now 33, and this memory keeps replaying in my head every few years. There’s nothing I can do now, t’s in the past. I can’t change what happened, and we continued with our lives as normal. I accept that I have my share of issues and that it’s not all on me. But the strange thing is, I don’t feel very sad about the bad things that happened to me, and I don’t even remember most of them. Yet I can’t forget the bad things I feel I did to the people I love.

We have a good relationship now, like normal sisters, and she doesn’t blame me. We’ve never even talked about it.

Is it normal to still feel this kind of regret at my age?

There were other kids my age who probably would have acted better than me, but I know I had flaws in my personality at that time. I was naive and didn’t understand things, but I can’t change that now. Back then, I was just a child and didn’t understand any of it.