Am I Wrong: Parents called me dangerous, self consumed and then never checked on me after surgery…

Question: Am I wrong for creating distance? What else should I/ could I have done? Any suggestions?

Timeline: 2023 - present

TLDR at the end

I went low/no contact with my family ( low with my dad and sisters, no contact with my mother and little brother) as a last resort. I am the oldest of 4 children born to a two parents household who decided to homeschool. Long story short, my mother and I used to be very close. Talk everyday close. When I was younger I warned my father about enmeshed family dynamics and everyone ignored me so I gave up. My family was religious, loving to the outside and I guess inside as much as they could muster. My father was sporadically physically abusive, more frequently verbally and emotionally abusive and my mother was a victim/perpetrator of the same types of dynamics mixed with a good dose of random silent treatment and manipulation. I’m not exaggerating she literally would lie to my face and dare me to tell her she was lying because she hates liars. Anyway I believe they try to be good people o genuinely don’t think they know what good people are and what peace feels like.

The riff occurred when my little brother did some terrible things that negatively impacted my husband and I on a trip they took together. For example, he was threatening my husband’s life at one point, talked about offing my parents, was saying erratic and weird things.

I brought it to my parents and initially my father was receptive but ultimately he fell in line with my mother. They initially did nothing until my little brother started calling my husband at 2am leaving weird messages. So I called a family meeting. When we discussed the situation I protected and stood with my husband. I also ultimately connected this issue with a series of issues that are deep seated in my family, having a negative impact and no one wants to talk about (there was abuse, anger, and a lot of unresolved issues, we were homeschooled so even kid on kid assault at times between siblings - dark stuff). I had already created distance and loved my life but when pushed and with everything I was just honest with them hoping they would see my point. That they would want better and we as a family could heal.

My mother took that as deep betrayal and told me I forgot where I came from, that my husband was abusive (although she never checked on me), that his family was doing witchcraft the list goes on that was really in the first few months.) My father told me my husband was ‘the smoking gun’ and had ‘somehow convinced our daughter to harbor things we wouldn’t ordinarily hold on to.’ When I kept asking questions my father told me I was ‘so consumed with myself I had become unreachable’ and to ‘be very careful’ when I pushed back. Literally threatened I would lose my family and it would all be my fault. My mother told me she was ‘challenged to see reconciliation as my true goal’ and that I ‘preferred contention.’ I offered a family therapist throughout. The answer was always no. My brother says I’m dead to him now btw.

It got nastier. They met truth with insults. My father called me ‘a dangerous person.’ They threw mud on my name to my sisters and at church under the guise of prayer, and disinvited me from holidays. Even worse I tried to follow their faith practice and reached out to the pastor to help us and talk to us and the pastor stopped answering my messages even though SHE acknowledged that my mother is a broken and sad person. One whom the pastors continue to allow to sing, pray for others and carry the title of minister.

I violated my own rules of low contact to support my mother when her mother experienced a medical emergency, to wish her happy Mother’s Day, birthday and anniversary. I tried genuinely. I kept track of everything and always ended my messages saying I hoped for reconciliation even when they met every message with insults and name calling. Literally have a message where my mom said - there is nothing to reconcile….

Fast forward to 2025 almost 2 years in - She continues to use silence as a weapon so even though she said she didn’t have an issue she was radio silent. Pretended for an event with my sisters (excited for them but that day she hugged me?!?) tried to find time to talk and had a long drawn out conversation where when met with her messages in black and white she said - well I don’t want to go back and forth about specifics. It was a triggering conversation. After it they said they felt better - it went nowhere because my family doesn’t understand how to repair and they discard anyone who doesn’t agree. My husband sat outside the meeting at their request my dad said hello to him my mom walked past him and I guess thought no one noticed. After this meeting they asked for and led -she never wished me merry Christmas, new year nothing. I wised them merry Christmas and gave up at new years.

I didn’t hear from them again until my father called to tell me my grandmother had died a few days after new year. All the work, the reasoning, the effort over almost two years and even after talking to them they still couldn’t find a healthy way to communicate and continue the relationship.

My final straw — my husband and I supported my family at the funeral, showed up, supported, my husband even got to honor my grandmother who he cared about and cared for when he was allowed and she was alive, we paid for the repast, and I shared with them I was having serious surgery. Neither of my parents came to see me ( I live 10-12 mins away). My father texted to check on me a few times briefly. My mother sent me an Instagram video. I did not respond. I also learned she was telling my little sister I was dangerous to be around and to record everything. My two little sisters only reached out because my husband called them asked them to because he knew what it would mean to me.

I feel crazy most times. My life is happy and peaceful but honestly I often wonder if there’s not more I should have done. When I yelled once - I apologized. When I spoke on the health of their marriage I went back and said hey that’s none of my business and if it works for you knock yourselves out. I have bent over backwards trying to understand them and support them to no avail. And they argue I wasn’t ever parentified

I would love nothing more than a relationship. But until they want to work on themselves, my life is happier and more peaceful without them. But I miss them every day. And I know that somewhere my mother would likely say she has no clue what is happening. I just need to put this somewhere to have people see and hear it - I’ve lost a lot over the last 3 years and gained a lot also.

TLDR: Oldest of 4, raised in a religious homeschool household. Parents were loving publicly but my father was sporadically physically and frequently emotionally abusive, my mother emotionally manipulative. When my brother threatened my husband on a trip and behaved erratically, I brought it to my parents hoping we could address deeper family patterns. Instead they blamed my husband, called me dangerous, disinvited me from holidays, and ran a smear campaign at church and with my sisters. I spent two years trying to reconcile — offered therapy, kept showing up, paid for my grandmother’s repast, supported them at the funeral. When I had serious surgery neither parent came. Dad texted a few times. Mom sent a video. My sisters only reached out because my husband called them. I feel crazy sometimes but my life is genuinely peaceful and happy without them. I miss them every day and I’d take a healthy relationship in a heartbeat. Just needed somewhere to put this.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​