being average and lonely

dont know if this is allowed on this sub, do remove if its not. throwaway just cause. f19 if relevant. dont really post on reddit so ignore my mistakes.

basically what the title says, i am painfully average at everything i do even if i try really hard, if not worse than average. im in my final year of university with average grades, i go to the gym and have an average physique, dont sing, dont dance, dont do sports, not cause i just dont, ive tried. i just really wanna be great at something.

you can say things like "youre still young, theres still plenty of time for you to figure out what youre good at", but what if im already so tired of getting up every day and acting like life is all unicorns and rainbows? ive been depressed and medicated but everyone knows that you dont just have one depressive episode, its a cycle and i was so close to just cleaning my shit off in my most recent one. i dont wanna go through it again, i dont wanna do anything ever again. why cant it just end, why is it insane for me to want to die because i dont want to go through it. i know there are people going through things worse than this but what they do with their life is up to them, i can do whatever with mine.

im not good at anything, my family doesnt like me, and i dont have any friends either. dont start with things like going out and meeting people because i do, i go to uni, i go to clubs, i have a part-time job where i meet people a lot. i try organising hangouts and they just straight up ignore it or if they do agree, they bail at the last minute. no one hangs outs with me and i dont understand why, i offer notes and answers during class, i offer to pay when we hang out, but still no one wants to be friends with me. i left home to go overseas for my studies earlier than a lot of my peers so in a way i had to mature quickly, but i still feel like the same fucking kid that no one chooses in primary school and everyone calls a loser.

i was still a loser in highschool though, id admit that. i wore weird shit and did weird stuff, i was also ugly as hell and got bullied but it wasnt anything very bad. when the cool kids did something and brought me along i felt like the younger cousin whos so excited to be included but now looking i was probably being so fucking annoying.

the only person i hang out with is my boyfriend whos in his late-30s, i know what it sounds like but hes the only person whos nice to me and actually sees me. please do not be rude about this, i beg of you, hes the only person i have and hes my person.

i honestly dont know where im going with this, feel free to give advice, share experiences, vent as well, whatever, thanks