trying to make sense of my life and purpose

i have found it so difficult to make sense of my life and purpose when my parents reasons for having me is not because they wanted me.

worst part, my parents met in rehab and my mom already had a daughter from a previous boyfriend.

My dad is schizophrenic and has delusions, and his delusions are what told him to have me. (also let me live with his mother and his mother also abused me terribly. recently he told me that i had to get a taste of her abuse for myself)

My mom on the other hand, had me to secure her place with my dad and also just wanted money. (my mom would return all the gifts people bought me so she could fund her alcohol/drug addiction)

and i guess it just hurts that i wasn’t brought in this world to be loved but for other peoples selfish instinct.

It feels like the pain won’t go away, no matter how much i cry, accept, try to understand their childhood and what traumas they had to make them who they are, and rationalizing it. It seems like I’ll never find peace with it. I want to look at other people with their kids and feel joy for them, not resentment. I’ve tried for years to try to ignore and/or cry it out. Nothings helps and it seems like it’ll be a part of me forever.

thanks for letting me vent :)