A bad day.

Yesterday was a bad day. Could I hate myself any more than I do?

I drank vodka in secret from about 11 am to 3 pm. Spent the rest of the afternoon and evening tossing and turning on the couch, nauseous and self-loathing, smoking weed and guzzling water, while my boyfriend bustled around cleaning. He likely assumed I was just depressed. How can I deceive him like this? I feel so sick inside.

I am sick.

This morning I threw away the bottle of vodka. It's a threshold I never seriously considered I would cross....the threshold over to secret vodka. Easier than trying to hide beers or wine, seemingly less caloric and "cleaner," but still requiring careful oversight.... still poison. This is how I would ruin my life, probably. Poison, shame, despair.

I remembering stumbling across a bottle of vodka hidden (poorly) by my dad when I was young and naive. I was absolutely shocked. Now I'm doing the same thing. I want to be free of this.