Struggling with frustration around trauma comparisons in trauma spaces

I’ve noticed something in the past few years and it’s really starting to make me angry. It has become all too common in CPTSD spaces to validate people who have experienced primarily or exclusively emotional abuse/neglect by saying it’s wrong to compare (which it is) but then also immediately saying emotional abuse is actually the worst abuse of all. I find this SO incredibly frustrating. We don’t need to minimize the severity of physical and sexual abuse in order for victims of emotional abuse to be validated. Why are people still doing this? Why is this considered acceptable? Why is it that someone who tries to say physical or sexual abuse is worse gets dogpiled but people who say emotional abuse is worse gets upvotes and like 15 people agreeing?

I understand that the impact of emotional abuse has been historically minimized and that MUST change but the solution CANNOT be to claim that emotional abuse is more severe. ESPECIALLY if you’re doing that while claiming you have a problem with comparing trauma. It’s hypocritical. It’s still comparing trauma. Im sure it feels like a win against people who have minimized the severity of emotional abuse but it’s still creating a hierarchy of severity. Youre STILL telling certain survivors their experiences were “easier” and perhaps that feels like validation but validating yourself at the expense of others is a) harmful and b) unnecessary. You dont need for your abuse to be worse than other abuse to recognize the harm.

What frustrates me even more is that emotional abuse is an inherent element of physical and sexual abuse. It just is. Physical abuse and sexual abuse happen within the context of anger, resentment and dehumanization of the victim. Like I’m trying to imagine what people are thinking when they say emotional abuse is worse than other forms of abuse - like do they think that the person being beaten or assaulted is otherwise being treated kindly? Like a father molesting his kid is otherwise super understanding and supportive? Like someone being beaten by their partner in a romantic relationship otherwise has a kind and loving partner?

Like I truly don’t understand the logic. And, yes, of course people have their own experiences, someone who experienced multiple forms of abuse might feel like emotional abuse was the most traumatic for them and that’s valid FOR THEM and THEIR experiences but generalizing that to say emotional abuse is always the worst is unnecessarily invalidating.

I do get that this comes from a place of feeling like emotional abuse is ignored because it’s not externally visible. And from what I’ve heard, a lot of people who were primarily/exclusively emotionally abused as kids, it was almost a comforting thought to think “i wish they would hit me, because then people would care.” I get that. I get feeling like if there was physical or sexual violence, someone might care. Because society is much more vocal about saying these kinds of abuse are unacceptable. But on behalf of victims of physical and sexual abuse - the reality is that is a distorted belief. The emotional abuse should have been enough for someone to step in. If no one stepped in because of emotional abuse/neglect - which is more likely to be public than other forms of abuse - it’s very unlikely someone would have stepped in because of physical or sexual abuse that happens behind closed doors. And the reality is, unfortunately, there is a huge discrepancy between what people say they find unacceptable and what people will actually accept. How many people have actually been arrested because of the Epstein files? How many actors and musicians who beat their partners have actually been ruined by that information becoming public? Sadly, society tends to find a way to excuse the vast majority of abuse.

So let’s just… stop. Stop comparing. Stop validating your experiences by minimizing others. Abuse is harmful, full stop. We don’t need to compare. We don’t need to say which is worse and which is better. They’re all terrible. Let’s do better. Let’s be better.

/rant