So we both have ADHD. Now what?

I’m very recently diagnosed with ADHD. The more I learn about it the more I realize I’ve been over-functioning to overcompensate for a long time. It worked for a while but a few months ago I hit a wall and started having really intense anxiety. Met with a mental health doctor, and she immediately recognized it as ADHD. Pretty quickly, I found a therapist who specializes in ADHD and started taking medication too.

My therapist has been encouraging me to accept my diagnosis and reflect on how ADHD actually shows up in my life. I’m struggling with that because I realized that I associate ADHD with my partner’s symptoms and extreme dysfunction.

My partner’s ADHD experience is very different from mine. They really struggle with day to day functioning. They’ve never lived on their own and I honestly don’t think they ever could. Nothing would get done a the place would be a disaster. They’ve always lived with people who are more functional and helped them get by.

They spend most of their time in bed, probably around 18-20 hours a day. Working at home they can log full time hours even though they only work a few hours a day.

What’s hard for me is that I’ve always felt like I had no choice but to push through things and they haven’t really had to. When we first started dating I often heard that they couldn’t do certain things because of their ADHD and that it was a disability. I do understand that ADHD is a disability and can be disabling. But a diagnosis should be an explanation for things not an excuse. We’re all responsible for our diagnoses, esp once we officially have them and know them! And have access to treatments.

Since getting together, I overfunctioned to the point of burnout like I’ve never experienced before. Now I feel like I’ve completely crashed and I’m struggling with everything every single day.

They are prescribed medication but they don’t take it consistently. From my experience and what my doctor has said consistency really matters!! So it’s been hard to watch them neglect treatment options that are available to them.

If you’re in a relationship where both people have ADHD how do you manage responsibilities, motivation, and balance without one person burning out completely.

Any advice or perspective would really help!!