I feel my heart heavy in my chest and it hurts

I’m afraid of pushing away people, I feel terrible all the time.

I already pushed someone away.

I loved him as much as my broken heart and mind allow me to and yet he believed I hated him.

How do you even achieve that!?

I want to change but can’t accept help to change, I’m trapped in a cycle of despair in which I desperately try to improve, but because of that same desperation I sink deeper and deeper and deeper.

I don’t want to be alone, I can’t stand it anymore.

I don’t want to commit such mistakes with anyone again, I’m afraid it’ll happen again.

I don’t want to lose more people, specially because of my own stupidity.

I don’t want to be me, I hate myself.

I wish I could rip myself off myself.