My boyfriend (28M) and I (28F) are taking some time apart, but I think it's over... How do I cope with losing the love of my life?

I don’t even know how to start this. I feel like my world has completely collapsed and I don’t recognize my life anymore.

The person I thought I was going to spend my life with and I have been going through an incredibly difficult time. There have been a lot of traumatic and stressful things happening, and everything just started to feel too heavy. It’s been months of feeling overwhelmed, scared, exhausted, and honestly just really fragile.

A few nights ago, everything came to a breaking point and I tried to take my own life. I ended up in the hospital. Even writing that feels surreal and humiliating and painful. I never imagined I would reach a point where I felt that hopeless.

That night, the person I love more than anything was with his friends. They were cruel to me, and he was too. I know he had been drinking, and I keep trying to tell myself that it wasn’t really him, that it was the influence of the people he was with. His friends have always brought out a side of him that feels so unlike the person I fell in love with. They turn him cold and unkind.

But what hurts the most is that he knew I was in the hospital and he didn’t check on me. He just went to sleep.

The next day, instead of calling to see if I was okay, instead of showing even a little bit of gentleness or concern, he told me he needed space. He yelled at me while I was sitting alone in a hospital bed, completely broken. I felt so small and so abandoned in a moment where I needed love more than I ever have in my life.

After screaming at me, he called me again shortly after. He had left his work computer at my apartment. He doesn't have keys, and he asked me if I could figure out a way for him to grab it while I was still sitting in the hospital. He was gentle and kind on the phone, apologized for yelling, and told me that when I get back we can talk about how to move forward together. This gave me hope.

After he retrieved his computer, he reverted back to how he was when he asked for space. Cruel and angry. He told me he wanted that space again to think.

Even though I was desperate for comfort, I gave him the space he asked for because I love him so much and I didn’t want to push him further away.

Later, I saw that one of his friends posted something on Instagram that felt very clearly directed at me: “resist the urge to make a performance of your emotions while you're still in the midst of feeling them.” I responded because it hurt deeply, and then it was immediately deleted. It made me feel humiliated and exposed, like my lowest moment was being judged or mocked.

After taking some time, he told me he thinks we need space apart to work on ourselves and heal, and that maybe we can find each other again in the future when we are both better.

I don’t know what to believe. Part of me feels like he’s just saying that to soften the blow, and that he’s already emotionally gone. I feel like I destroyed everything by making such a desperate decision when I was hurting so badly. I feel ashamed and broken and terrified that I’ve lost the love of my life forever.

I feel like I am grieving both the relationship and the person I thought he was.

How do you cope with losing someone you thought was your forever, especially when you’re already in the darkest place of your life? How do you accept that the person you trusted most could treat you this way when you needed them the most?

I feel completely lost and I don’t know how to move forward.