Had a one-night stand over a year ago.

TLDR; I (22F) cheated on my boyfriend (24M) of five years with a woman. I had a one night stand and regret it deeply.

For context, my boyfriend and I had been long distance for the first three years of our relationship. We live in different cities, but would see eachother over holidays as we were both in school when we began dating.

Leading up to the cheating:

I was molested by my mothers now ex husband in 2023, and it fundamentally changed my view on my body for a while. In early 2024, I was isolated. I’d cut off contact with my mother due to her blaming me, I had moved out and was living alone on a low income and was really depressed. I was molested before I even lost my virginity to my boyfriend and it played a huge role in making me depressed. I developed a porn addiction to cope and I guess take back control over my sexuality.

In late 2024 I had moved to my boyfriends city for university so we were no longer long distance. I was still depressed due to the family conflict and still had a porn addiction. I had opened up to my boyfriend about it but he shrugged it off but it was a serious problem for me, I really wanted to find sex enjoyable and I was struggling. I had told him I wanted to try certain things but he wasn’t interested in them. I met a woman online and she began giving me attention. Within a week I had invited her over for us to have sex. We kissed and touched and she gave me head and used a vibrator. That said, I hated every bit of it, the secrecy, the betrayal. I don’t know what I was thinking and why I decided to gamble my relationship and our health this way, I didn’t even feel comfortable. At every point, I wanted to cancel this plan, I knew it was twisted and foul, yet for some reason my desire at the time outweighed my commitment to him. I cried so much afterwards, questioning how I could even do such a thing. I had just moved to this city and had cheated within 2 months.

I was traumatised and lonely, I had nobody in this city but him. On top of my family situation and trying to recover from molestation, I was extremely lonely at university and at the lowest point ever mentally.

This doesn’t excuse anything, I just wish I’d respected him enough back then to not cheat.

I never told him, I decided to act like nothing happened and focus on making my relationship with him work and would never in a million years do something like that again. It felt disgusting and deceitful and very out of character for me and disrespectful to him.

We’ve been through a lot. We’d broken up in the past for a few months and reconciled, we’ve dealt with him keeping secrets from me which I found out and we reconciled. It was never easy, at times things would resurface but we actively worked to rebuild trust. However, how can I tell him that I hate having to find things out and prefer him be honest so we can work through it, when I’ve kept this secret for a year and a half? I couldn’t tell him at the time because of the shame and the fear of losing the only person I have in this city. I’m STILL afraid of losing him. Additionally, he was with a bisexual girl before me for two years also long distance. They had a semi-open agreement where she was allowed to see other women (he remained monogamous) and not men, however she eventually cheated with a man and he called it quits immediately.

He’s recently began speaking of marriage though and I know that it’s not fair for him to make that decision with me without being fully informed.

I plan to tell him, I just hope he can forgive me. We’ve broken eachother‘s trust plenty times before but always worked through it. However, this was a significant breach which I am truly remorseful for. I’m willing to take accountability and give him all the time he needs and space he needs if he decides to still stay with me afterwards. I am not the same person I was when I made that terrible decision. I have since been very actively committed to him and committed to showing up for him in every possible way.

I genuinely cannot see a future without him, even with everything that we’ve been through in the past. I’m really hoping this is something he too can forgive, even if it takes months or years of work, I am willing to gain his trust back.

My friend says I shouldn’t confess if it was truly a one-time thing and I should just forgive myself and truly show him I love him. My other friend says he has the right to decide if HE can forgive me. I know this will fundamentally alter how he sees me and us. Even though I know I’ve changed and Im in a much better place in terms of mental health and maturity and respect for him, this will be fresh news to him and it will hurt him that I kept it for so long.

That said, he deserves the option to potentially leave before committing to a marriage with an incomplete version of me. If he decides to end things, it will wreck me, but I’d deserve it and will be eternally grateful if he even considers staying at all.