4/6/26

I saw that you flagged a post for having personal info. It makes sense that you don't want anything out there like that so I removed all names and stuff from every post. And deleted some of them that were too specific anyways. I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable. I don't think you'd read any more but I still look at this stuff myself to reflect on things until I guess I'm able to let go of it someday.

I'm sorry for the way things ended. I genuinely really just wanted to end on good terms and would've been able to accept never talking again. I still will accept that of course but it just sucks a lot how it ended. I have personal reasons why that hurts a lot to not have it ending on good terms, but it's not on you to have to give me that or anything. For now I'm still just processing a lot, missing having you as a best friend more than anything. I also deleted the posts that were more like romantically charged and stuff. I know you got really upset that I still brought it up after you told me you didn't have feelings for me, but it was literally just the next day. I know in your mind you had moved on from that idea for a bit, but I just need more than one day to do that myself, I don't think that's crazy, though I'm sorry it upset you. I mean I was so invested I can't just shut out all my feelings and thoughts, and I really did post it instead of messaging it so that it was still optional for you to read because you did say you wanted to know my thoughts about everything.

Overall I got caught up in my feelings and the mixed signals, and I can move on from them of course, but it's going to take a lot longer to move on from losing my best friend. You're right that a lot of my words do come from me as a friend. Like the letters I wrote besides the red one that's now deleted. Especially the times where I got frustrated with you, I know it was just unpleasant but I was really just trying to get through to you with your own words. I hate that you feel like I tried to decide things for you like how you felt or what you need to do. I was always just wanted to "remind" you of things you've said because you have told me yourself that you struggle to remember what you said. I know you're stressed out a ton, and I'm not saying you don't know how to handle yourself, but I'm genuinely worried that the stress is making it harder to recall some things or something idk. And that's not something that's like impossible to prove or anything, I'm sure you couldn't find a single instance where I say something about you that you haven't already said yourself. And things change of course but I feel like I went off of the most recent things I've heard from you every time. It's something that you've said you appreciated in the past so it surprised me when this time you really pushed a lot of things as only coming from me. I really wouldn't bring up past stuff if you had ever just said "I know I said that before, but I feel differently now." But I know it's not easy for you to be so open and you never had to tell me anything really.

Idk. I'm just repeating stuff I've said before now. I'm just desperate to not be seen in a way that I know I'm not, by the one person that I do think really knows me the best. That's not something I want to decide for you either though. Seriously, I understand you're your own person and I do think you're very strong. If you want to see me in a bad way, then that's the reality of it and I can't stop that. Besides my stupid forwardness, everything else was genuinely done out of wanting to do what's best for you, but I overextended myself and I just think somewhere along the way we really misunderstood each other. I never wanted to "decide" what was best for you or force you to think a certain way, and I kept checking in with you to make sure I wasn't doing that. I'm really sorry if it felt that way this last time we talked.

I hope you're okay. The last thing I want is for me or my words to be a heavy thing in your mind. I don't doubt what it is you want for yourself right now or ever. And it's for the best for me too at this point to process stuff and move on. I'm gonna really miss having you as a best friend though. I can't even think of moving on from that at this moment. Still seeing a lot of funny stuff I wish I can talk to you about and it just sucks so bad. I'll figure it out I suppose.