surviving accountancy is hard

Hi, I don’t usually do stuff like this but I guess I really needed to vent to something or someone with how heavy my heart feels right now, everything feels suffocating and I’m trying not to bring up bad old habits…Ideally, I would be talking about this to a friend or family member, but I don’t think there’s anyone in my circle who I can vent to about this as of this moment.

I’m a 2nd yr accountancy student and I have just finished taking my 2nd qualifying exam (cost accounting) and my results are worse than my 1st qualifying exam (cost accounting) which I took a week ago. This really hit me hard, there’s 3 more qualifying exams left before I find out If I pass or not but I feel already certain that I am not gonna advance to the 3rd yr and I am actually lost on what to do. I’m scared that I may have hit my limit now, I think this is as far as my intellectual and mental capacity can go, I don’t think I am suited for accountancy and that’s a terrifying thing to realize as a 2nd yr. I don’t think I am smart enough to stay in this course nor do I have enough common sense to survive. I feel so awful because I felt so jealous of my friends when I heard their scores because they had higher scores than mine. I know I don’t have the right to feel that way because they studied hard for their results which is why I feel awful knowing that I still felt that way even though I knew they worked hard.

I just want everything to stop, I’m just counting on the days I have left before I have to bring the bad news to my parents. To be completely honest, I studied accountancy at this really well-known school that is always ranked high in the rankings of universities in PH but I had to shift after the first semester because I failed (by a really small margin which hurt extra) a major subject. I shifted to management accounting 2nd semester and actually passed with good grades which meant I could proceed to the next yr but once my father learned of it, he didn’t support me. He said he wouldn’t support me financially if I would proceed as a management accounting student. It was either accountancy or nothing. So I transferred to a still fairly well known school but wasn’t that high in regards to rankings and performance compared to other schools in the area. I started as a 1st yr again. My head was honestly in a very bad place during this time because all I could think of was that I was a year behind my batch now. When my older sisters found out that I transferred to such a school, they were really embarrassed and dissapointed in me. I was already the black sheep in the family since way before, but now I made It even worse.

When I transferred and started all over again, taking on the major subject I had previously failed during my 1st year, I actually got the best grades I could ever have. When I continued on to the 2nd semester, I still had very good performance in all my subjects. When I became a 2nd yr, my grades were still good at first but then I began to produce really bad results in cost accounting. I’m always struggling to understand, even until now. My father said it was either accountancy or nothing, if I don’t proceed then I might be forced to stop going to school altogether and practice sewing instead (my father said). So yeah, my future seems really dark right now at the moment. I don’t have a clear clue of what’s going to happen to me but It’s hard to be optimistic. I doubt I can shift to another course or transfer to another school and start over again as it has been 3 years already since I entered college.

Maybe I didn't study hard enough, didn't work hard enough, or didn't pray enough to God, maybe it's all 3. I guess my heart feels heavy because I realized the extent of my brain(?) or "smartness"? so late into the process that I can't start over again. My life is gonna be hell soon so I'm just preparing myself for the worst. I know it's pathetic but I guess I've almost given up on trying. i might go to the guidance office tomorrow but I don't really know.

Sorry for such a long and pathetic rant. I guess I feel a bit calm now after sharing my thoughts and emotions.